IELTS Writing task 2: Education for adult population

Question

Please help me to review this bellow essay. Thank you so much!

“Education for young people is important in many countries. However, the others think government should spend more money for education in adult population who cannot read and write”.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, many countries all over the world expend part of their national budgets to improve education for young people as it is one of the most demographic factors of nations' development. However, there are also some arguments that educating illiterate adults also deserves to receive more attention and investigation from governments. This bellow essay will discuss both sides from my point of view.

Increasing of literacy rate of adults brings a whole host of positive impacts for the society undoubtedly. Firstly, this campaign will help illiterate classes to have a chance to get a better job and change their life, as a majority of companies requires their employees to know how to read and write. Thus, it will provide more staff members for any workplaces, which is definitely a great boon for society especially in some countries struggling with lacking of young workers like Japan and other European ones.

On the contrary, this trend also has a range of disadvantages. As most of the adult population have more duties to carry on, for instance, taking care of their grandchildren or doing housework, they do not have enough time left for studying. In addition, some of them will assume that at their ages, they no longer have to learn how to read and write or broaden knowledge because they feel they still can live happily without these skills. As a result, although the government spends lots of money and efforts to increase the number of literate adults, it may not receive a relevant result as the adult classes do not consider it is something necessary for their life.

To sum up, from the above arguments, the education of adults is absolutely a significant thing in any country. However, governments should pay attention to raise higher awareness about studying in the older generation to receive more successful results.

Jack Dammit · Accepted Answer

I can only address a few issues due to time constraints, but they still matter:

This bellow essay -> The essay below

Bellow means to yell.

Increasing of literacy rate of adults -> The increase of adult literacy

brings a whole host of positive impacts for the society undoubtedly -> undoubtedly brings a whole host of positive impacts on society.

a majority of companies requires -> a majority of companies require

any workplaces -> many workplaces or all workplaces

insert comma after any society

in some countries struggling with lacking young workers -> in countries struggling with a lack of young workers

like Japan and other European ones -> like Japan and European countries

Duties are carried out, not on.

their grandchildren -> grandchildren

broaden knowledge -> broaden their knowledge

knowledge isn't a skill; these words have different meanings

and efforts -> and effort

adults are not a class; adults could be described as a demographic

it is something -> something

their life -> their lives

absolutely a significant thing -> absolutely significant

governments should pay attention -> governments should strive

raise higher awareness about -> raise awareness of

receive -> achieve

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nowadays, many countries all over the world allocate ~~expend~~ part of their national budgets to improve education for young people as ~~it is one of the most demographic factors~~ an educated youthful workforce is very important for a nation's development. However, there are also some arguments that educating illiterate adults also deserves to receive more attention ~~and investigation~~ from governments. This bellow essay will discuss both sides from my point of view.

Never mention your essay or your writing in an academic essay. It is bad form.

Instead write your thesis statement - that is the main point that you will argue. In this case, write "I believe that ..."

Increasing of literacy rate of adults brings a whole host of positive impacts for the society undoubtedly. ~~Firstly~~, First, this ~~campaign~~ (Use pronouns. There may be many projects or efforts to increase literacy. Maybe not one campaign.) will help illiterate adults classes to have a chance to get a better job and change their life, as a majority of companies requires (wrong form) their employees to know how to read and write. Thus, it will provide more staff members for ~~any~~ workplaces, which is definitely a great boon for society especially in some countries struggling with the lack ~~lacking~~ of young workers like Japan and other European countries. ~~ones~~.

On the contrary, this trend also has a range of disadvantages. As most of the adult population have more duties to carry on, for instance, taking care of their grandchildren or doing housework, they do not have enough time left for studying. In addition, some of them will assume that at their ages, they no longer have to learn how to read and write or broaden their knowledge because they feel they still can live happily without these skills. As a result, although the government spends considerable amounts ~~lots of~~ ("lots of" is quite casual) money and efforts (non-count) to increase the number of literate adults, it may not receive a commensurate relevant result as the adults ~~classes~~ do not consider it is something necessary for their life.

To sum up, ~~from the above arguments,~~ the education of adults is absolutely a vitally important ~~significant~~ ~~thing~~ in any country. However, governments should pay attention to raise higher awareness about studying in the older generation to receive more successful results.

IELTS Writing task 2: Education for adult population

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