Ielts writing task 2. Could someone help me check my essay, please?

Topic: people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes? What are the solutions?

BODY:

There are two major reasons why many individuals do not feel safe either at their own houses or when they are outside or public places. One cause is that an increase in the amount of burglary and robbery resulting from the widening gap between the rich and the poor causes this feeling. In Vietnam, for instance, there were many cases that stealing unsuccessfully treasures, some burglars battered or even killed victims as a way to escape or keep the secret. Another reason is that those who use the roads are aware of dangers due to a dramatic increase in traffic. The fact that There were a number of youngsters driving vehicles when they were drunk, and this led to many serious accidents, which are harmful to people life.

Some simple solutions could be implemented to address the problems. Firstly, organizations should provide more vocational training and equip fundamental knowledge such as car maintenance, graphic design and computer programming to increase job opportunities for inhabitants. These ways may decrease the unemployment rate as well as the number of those who break the law. Secondly, the government should site more surveillance cameras. They can install these devices on trains, buses and along main streets. By doing this, there will be higher ability to investigate a criminal because cameras were in place. From this point, people will not only be encouraged traffic law- abiding citizens but also alley those fears of insecurity.

Thank you so much for checking it!

However,

I have some trouble and really need your help. The problem was I have written an essay and then I posted it on the Ielts group, which is very popular in my country. Some of members appreciated my essay just get 5.5, and this made me worry a lot. What about your opinion?

TOPIC: Organized tour to remote community and other countries is increasingly popular. Is it a positive or negative development for the local people and environment?

There is the ever-increasing popularity of organized tour to distant areas. From my perspective, this phenomenon has both beneficial and adverse impacts on local residents and environmental quality.

On the one hand, the growth of package tours to remote community has a profound effect on local people. Firstly, the development of this mode of tourism may promote local economy. For instance, there will be a massive number of tourists to those regions, and this will give citizens a chance to raise their income through selling homemade products. Secondly, the living standard of local people will be ameliorated due to having more investments in infrastructure. Entertainment facilities are established and improved. This brings more joy and makes lives less difficult in remote areas.

On the other hand, this trend in any form has detrimental effects on the development of local people and the environment. One argument is that the growth of trips may give rise to environmental degradation. Some unconscious tourists who must be held accountable for their actions like throwing litter or spitting on the streets, and this may cause the pollution of the surrounding environment. In addition, the culture and indigenous practices may be greatly impacted by the increment of tourist arrivals. When tourists go on holidays in remote community, the may wear unsuitable clothes for local people, attracting the attention of local young people who copy provocative fashions. If citizens are significantly intrigued by exotic way, regional richness or some customs may be changed or disappeared in the future.

In conclusion, there is some certain beneficial benefits can be seen as a result of trips to distant regions, however, this phenomenon also brings many adverse outcomes on local people and the environment.