IELTS WRITING TASK 2 AND WRITING FEEDBACK

I have written an academic essay on the topic below. I was wondering if you could give me some feedback to help me improve my writing skills. Thank you so much, indeed.

Topic: Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is interesting to find that these days many superstars are more renowned for their glamourousness and prosperity than for a long list of impressive accomplishments, which is a poor example to the young to follow. In my opinion, I agree that fame and affluence of famous people mislead young people about the quest for success.

Celebrities who has gained popularity with young people tend to disseminate mistaken ideas about being phenomenally successful. Following in a famous person’s footsteps, for example, appeals to young people, despite the expenditure and money. The youth might be led astray by such a glamourous lifestyle. By comparison, senior people are hardly interested in keeping their clothes in fashion, buying trendy consumer products, and tend to regard them as a wasteful use of money.

In addition to those factors that are visible, some aspects are less obvious and tend to be subjective in influencing one’s perception of accomplishments. These intrinsic factors include temperament, characters, pursuits and philosophies. Taking attainment targets as an example, young people perceive a sense of triumph differently. Some people who are young people considered as a group sacrifice everything in their pursuit of wealth, whereas the elderly take fame and money lightly. Those people who have been in the spotlight tend to feed young people misinformation about their remarkable achievements, which is dashing young people’s hopes of chasing their dreams and devising a recipe for disaster in the future.

In conclusion, several points of view of famous people are misleading young people, which shows a bad example to young people. Even though the young generation is all motivated to attain objectives for their achievements by a plethora of celebrities, they should first evaluate whether imitations are faithful or not. An act of copying famous people in the way they live and achieve might bring nothing but high levels of stress and a sense of disappointment.