Ielts writing task 2

Please help me review my essay. Thank you!

A large number of people think that nowadays women should not work hard to earn their living, they should spend more time in caring for their families. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is said that women in this modern-day women should not go out to make ends meet and their main duty is to take care of their families. In my opinion, I partly agree with this point of view.

On the one hand, women should take responsibility for maintaining family's happiness as a wife's role. When the husband be occupied with business work, the wife will have to take care of their children, do household chores and offer spiritual support for him. Especially, the mother's presence is very important to children under the first three years old. Because in this period, toddlers are vulnerable and need to depend on mother completely, from eating, bathing to sleeping,etc.

On the other hand, after the children going to kindergarten female should go to work for some specific reasons. First, let women to work to earn their living is a way to promote gender equality.If a woman can be independent in finance, she will not have to lean on the husband entirely. Therefore both spouses are more likely to respect and treat each other equally.As a result, the proportion of domestic violence may decrease to a certain extent.Moreover landing a suitable job helps women explore their potential talents.If female can develop their ability thoroughly, they can succeed in career path and hold high position, as well. According to the New York Times, strong evidence show that women's participation in business has promoted economic development of a country.There are a lot of successful female entrepreneurs, such as: Kaylie Jenner,Huda Kattan,etc.
To sum up, while I think that women should stay at home to take care of families, I also agree that they should should go out to work to earn their living.