IELTS writing task 2

Question

Somebody help me to score this essay please

In some countries young people have become richer healthier and live longer but they are less happy. What are the causes. What can be done to address thisproblem

It is true that in today world particularly in developed countries, the young have leaded wealthier stronger lives in conjuncture with longer life expectancy. But still and all this significant enhancement of the quality of life doesn't necessarily come along with happiness, instead, they feel less joyful. This essay will dicuss the main reasons and come up with some solutions tackle this situation.

Firstly, from an early age, children have always been told a misleading dogma that prosperity and social status are primarily essential for a successful life and are the origin of happiness. For example, shopping, travel which require lots of money are considered as source of joy. This misconception makes them take priority on earning as much money as possible rather than choosing a dreamwork when deciding future job. This later leads to a monotonous life in the absence of interest and motivation for work. Secondly, following the world's rapid development, young adults are soon drown in the rat race, deadlines, responsibilities. Leisure time is very little and precious. Therefore, finding the truly joy of life seems to be impossible.

To address this problem, education plays the primary role. Teach the young that there are many things besides money buiding up a meaningful, wonderful life. Society should use the media internet to spread the idea widely. Parents along with teachers must encourage children to pursuit their own dreams and be consistent with it. Teach them not to be afraid to change or abandon unsuitable things such as jobs, relationship..to find real happiness.

In conclusion, it is witnessing the significant decrease in mental contentment of young people despite the augment in the quality of life. Solving the problem demands us to better rise the young's awareness of what really makes human happy.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please post essays, paragraphs, dialogues and other writing in the essay forum so a moderator does not have to move your post.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayReportCompositionWriting/Forum9.htm

Also, copy the essay instructions correctly.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

car blue 984Somebody help me to score this essay please

Are you a teacher and need help with determining a score for your student's essay?

What score are you considering?
Do you know the scoring criteria (the band descriptors) for IELTS essays?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

car blue 984Somebody help me to score this essay please

Your request is incorrect. Consider these three sentences.

1) Please help me to carry my bags ( You carry the bags, but I assist you. )
 2) Please carry my bags. (I carry the bags for you. )
 3) Please help me by carrying my bags. (If I carry your bags, it will be good for you.)

1) Please help me to score this essay. (You score the essay, but I assist. The web site does not allow this.)
2) Please score this essay. ( I score the essay )
3) Please help me by scoring this essay. (I score the essay.  That will help you.)

Only a teacher would ask someone to help them score an essay. Students do not generally know how to score essays.

If you are learning to write essays, I assume you want some feedback on your mistakes. A score does not help you to learn anything.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The essay instructions have some mistakes.

In some countries young people have become richer and healthier. They live longer but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this problem?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~It is true that~~ (That is not good. Would you write something that isn't true? ) in today world (That is incorrect. There correct phrase is "In today's world") particularly in developed countries, the young have leaded (Leaded means that it is constructed with the metal "lead". For example: leaded stained glass windows.) wealthier stronger lives in conjuncture (Wrong word. "Conjuncture" is a combination of circumstances or events usually producing a crisis.) with longer life expectancy. But still and (Do not use two conjunctions "but and "and" together.) all this significant enhancement of the quality of life doesn't (Do not use contractions in a formal essay.) necessarily come along with happiness, (comma splice error, ungrammatical sentence) instead, they feel less joyful. ~~This essay will dicuss the main reasons and come up with some solutions tackle this situation.~~

Do not mention your essay or your writing in an academic essay. Do not "announce" to the reader what you are going to do or write about. Instead write a thesis statement. The thesis statement is the most important sentence in an essay. It is your main point. It is what your arguments are about. The examiner will be very impressed and give a higher score for a well-crafted thesis statement.

Lazy students can write "In my essay, I will tell you XYZ and the reasons for it. " It gives the reader no information about your main point or your arguments. The thesis statement is potentially the most important single sentence in the essay. It will be the difference between an excellent score and a mediocre score.

Below is a thesis statement for your essay. Isn't it superior to "This essay will dicuss the main reasons and come up with some solutions tackle this situation." That statement gives the reader absolutely no idea of your main point.

Children, especially those in rich countries, are indoctrinated to believe that money brings happiness, when nothing could be further from the truth. Young people need to be taught that other qualities like companionship, love, a satisfying job, and generosity are the genuine fountains of a joyful, satisfied life.

~~Firstly~~, First, from an early age, children have always been told a misleading dogma that prosperity and social status are ~~primarily~~ essential for a successful life and are the origin of happiness. For example, shopping, travel (Ungrammatical noun phrase. Missing conjunction) which require lots of money are considered as source of joy. This misconception makes them ~~take priority on~~ prioritize earning as much money as possible rather than choosing a dreamwork (That is not a valid word) when deciding future job. (That makes no sense. You cannot decide a job.) This later leads to a monotonous life in the absence of interest and motivation for work. ~~Secondly~~, Second, following the world's rapid development, young adults are soon drown (Wrong form.) in the rat race, deadlines, responsibilities. (Ungrammatical noun phrase. Missing conjunction) Leisure time is very little and precious. Therefore, finding the truly (Wrong form.) joy of life seems to be impossible.

To address this problem, education plays the primary role. Teach the young that there are many things besides money buiding (wrong word, wrong spelling) up a meaningful, wonderful life. Society should use the media internet (wrong expression) to spread the idea widely. Parents along with teachers must encourage children to pursuit (Wrong word. Pursuit is a noun, not a verb.) their own dreams and be consistent with it. Teach them not to be afraid to change or abandon unsuitable things such as jobs, relationship..to (Ungrammatical noun phrase. Missing conjunction. Incorrect punctuation. find real happiness.

In conclusion, it is witnessing (wrong usage. What is "it"?) the significant decrease in ~~mental~~ contentment of young people despite the augment (Wrong word. Augment is a verb, not a noun.) in the quality of life. Solving the problem demands us to better rise (Wrong word.) the young's (incorrect usage) awareness of what really makes them ~~human~~ happy.

IELTS writing task 2

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