Ielts writing Task 2.

Question

Please check my word choice, grammar, and cohesion as well as offer me some formal synonyms or expressions. Thanks in advance.

Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer.

What problems could this situation cause and what measures can be done to address those problems?

It is a widely-held belief that the growing disparity between the wealthy and the underprivileged has always been a topic of general interest in many societies. This situation is believed to engender a multitude of valid concerns. This essay will demonstrate some viable solutions to tackle these problems.

It is widely acknowledged that economic inequality may affect the whole society at various levels. Initially, there may be a deterioration in the health of the indigent. As they are not likely to pay for health care or medical treatment, which leads to the fact that they have to suffer from several serious and life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and homicides, in addition to infectious sicknesses. Indeed, the death rate may increase significantly. Furthermore, a growing gap between the moneyed and the poor may also act as an attributable factor in a rise in crime owing to some rationales. As many people constantly face financial problems, they are driven to convicting crime such as robbery or homicide to earn more money, which can pose a serious threat to the safety of society.

Nevertheless, there are still some potential solutions that are determinant keys to the progress in solving these issues. Firstly, reducing taxes should be taken into consideration. Today, many individuals are grapple with financial barriers so they cannot cover all the mandatory taxes and fares. Therefore, the government should lower the amount of money the poor need to pay monthly with a view to minimizing the pressure they exert on them. Moreover, society needs to tack advantage of the advent of the media to inform people about many poor people. More funds ought to be raised to provide financial aid for the needy.

In conclusion, with these actions, the community can work together to improve the lives of many individuals.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

HongNhatTanPlease check my word choice, grammar, and cohesion as well as offer me some formal synonyms or expressions.

You don't need more formal synonyms. You need to write less tentatively and use more natural collocations. You need to express yourself clearly instead of trying to use sophisticated language.

It is a widely-held belief that the growing disparity between the wealthy and the underprivileged has always been a topic of general interest in many societies. (Off topic. This is not a good paraphrase of the subject. It seems like it is a memorized response. These do not get favorable marks.) This situation is believed to engender a multitude of valid concerns. I(This basically says nothing. ) ~~This essay will demonstrate some viable solutions to tackle these problems~~.

You will generally score much higher if you provide the examiner a thesis statement in the opening paragraph. In that regard, it is generally bad form to mention your essay. The lazy student writes "In this essay, I will tell you some solutions about XYZ ....." This gives the reader very little information. The examiner is looking for your main point, and an answer to the essay prompt.

Here is an example opening paragraph with a clear thesis statement:

In my country, there are a few extremely rich people, but there is a large percentage of the population struggling to makes ends meet. And the situation is becoming worse as more and more people fall into poverty. This causes problems for the economic development of the country and the overall well-being of the citizens. One solution is for the government to raise taxes on the richest, and invest in education, jobs, and welfare assistance for the disadvantaged.

It is widely acknowledged that economic inequality may (Are you uncertain about this?) affect the whole society at various levels. Initially, there may (Are you uncertain about this?) be a deterioration in the health of the indigent. As they are not likely to pay for health care or medical treatment, which leads to the fact that they have to suffer from several serious and life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and homicides, (Homicide is not a disease or illness. It is when one person kills another person. ) in addition to infectious sicknesses. Indeed, the death rate may (Are you uncertain about this?) increase significantly. Furthermore, a growing gap between the moneyed and the poor may (Are you uncertain about this?) also act as an ~~attributable~~ factor in a rise in crime ~~owing to some rationales~~. As many people constantly face financial problems, they are driven to convicting (wrong word) crime such as robbery or homicide (Killing someone does not usually have a financial benefit.) to earn more money, which can pose a serious threat to the safety of society.

Nevertheless, there are still some potential solutions that are determinant keys to the progress in solving these issues. (very unnatural. I cannot really understand it.) ~~Firstly~~, First, reducing taxes should be taken into consideration. Today, many individuals are grapple with financial barriers (wrong word) so they cannot cover all the mandatory taxes and fares. Therefore, the government should lower the amount of money the poor need to pay monthly with a view to minimizing the pressure they (The government?) exert on them. Moreover, society needs to tack (wrong word) advantage of the advent of the media (I have no idea what you mean. What is the beginning of the media? ) to inform people about many poor people. More funds ought to be raised to provide financial aid for the needy.

In conclusion, with these actions, the community can work together to improve the lives of many individuals.

Ielts writing Task 2.

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