IELTS writing task 2

I am learning for my IELTS exam, please give me some feedbacks for my writing below. Is it necessary to include the outline sentence in the introduction?

What are effective ways to increase writing band, as I only have more than a month to improve my 4 skills. I'm not confident with my writing and speaking, there are a lot of things to cover. Thank you!

Computers are being used more and more in education and so there will soon be no role for the teacher in education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the age of modern technology, there has been immense advances in technology in most aspects of lives, particularly education. Many people are of the opinion that one day teachers will be obsolete in the classroom. I affirm that educator’s position is irreplaceable in this area.

Some people hold a belief that the role of teacher in the classroom starts to fade, giving place to computers for several reasons. First, there are a number of fundamental subjects which are able to be taught by computers. Pupils can do assignments and get answers easily using computers in some areas such as maths and languages as these subjects only require students to memorize the information through a process of repetition. As a result, programmed-computers can provide a multitude of questions and answers to students to handle with. However, this hinders the interaction between students and educators.

All things considered, teachers still play a pivotal role in the classroom. Firstly, teacher can instruct and stretch students how to analyze and synthetize information efficiently and then give them appropriate feedbacks. Meanwhile, a computer is not adequate to evaluate mistakes or provide expanded concepts which are essential to enhance students’ learning proficiency. Secondly, teachers can support students to develop other vital skills. A prime example is that through classroom activites designed and monitored by teachers, students can foster their critical thinking skill, creativity and team-work performance. Besides, teachers create motivations by honoring the academic achievements of the students.

In conclusion, technology will not bring the best values into education system if we marginalize the role of teachers. Education is a crucial mission that machinery cannot dominate in any time. It would be much more efficient for us to use a computer with the teacher’s guidance in the classroom.