IELTS Writing task 2

Question

Dear teachers,I really hope you can spend some minutes to check out my essay. I am trying to get a better score on my writing tests but there have been five weeks since the day I took part in an IELTS course in my country and there is no improvement could be seen  Please help me.Topic: Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some people think that having these people to give a talk to school students is the best way to tell them about dangers of committing a crime. Do you agree or disagree?My essay:Allowing ex-prisoners to have a speech to educate school students about the threat of criminal entanglement is a controversial topic in today’s world. While I agree that inviting people who used to be behind the bars to give speeches has some benefits, I contend that this activity is not the best way to inform students about the dangers of breaking the law. I concede that a student could gain valuable life-lessons through a speech given by released prisoners. Firstly, discharged prisoners are able to gather knowledge about the difficult life in prison which students are curious about. Some punishments told by these people, which have never been seen any type of mass media, could make students aware of the risk of committing a crime. Secondly, it might that the young are more likely to accept advice from someone who speaks from their own experiences. As a result, released prisoners could have an incredible contribution in preventing would-be criminals.  However, I am firmly convinced that there are better methods to teach children about crime. First of all, instead of inviting ex-prisoners, I suggest that educational organizations should invite polices to do the educating. Because polices are able to talk about not only sinners’ psychology but also how to fight crimes. Furthermore, making children take part in criminology is also an effective measurement. By involving in these lessons, students could able to protect themselves from offences and have a closer insight into the behind-the-bars life. To conclude, I accept that letting ex-prisoners to give a talk is a beneficial way to educate the young. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that this measurement is not the best.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

What score did you get?

Did you get a separate score for each component?

Task Achievement
Coherence and Cohesion
Lexical Resource
Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The separate scores should tell you where to focus your study.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Allowing ex-prisoners to have a speech to educate school students about the threat of criminal entanglement is a controversial topic in today’s world. (There is nothing in the topic statement that says it is controversial. If you write this sort of thing, which is evidently not really true, you will get a lower score for "Task achievement." Do not write "it is a controversial topic" if you are asked to give an opinion on some subject.) While I agree that inviting people who used to be behind ~~the~~ bars to give speeches has some benefits, I contend that this activity is not the best way to inform students about the ~~dangers~~ consequences of breaking the law.

I concede that a student could gain valuable life-lessons through a speech given by released prisoners. First, discharged prisoners are able to gather knowledge ("Gather" is not the proper word. They share their experiences about what it is like to be in prison.) about the difficult life in prison which students are curious about. (Most students don't even think about prisons. They aren't usually curious about that.) Some punishments told by these people, which have never been seen any type of mass media, (This is unnatural English. We do not tell punishments. ) could make students aware of the risk of committing a crime. Second, it might that the young (young people) are more likely to accept advice from someone who speaks from their own experiences. As a result, ~~released~~ former prisoners could have an incredible contribution in preventing would-be criminals.

However, I am firmly convinced that there are better methods to teach children about crime. First of all, instead of inviting ex-prisoners, I suggest that educational organizations should invite polices (wrong form) to do the educating. Because polices are able to talk about not only sinners’ (wrong word) psychology but also how to fight crimes. Furthermore, making children take part in criminology (wrong word) is also an effective measurement. By involving (wrong form) in these lessons, students could able to protect themselves from offences and have a closer insight into prison ~~the behind-the-bars~~ life.

To conclude, I accept that letting ex-prisoners to give a talk is a beneficial way to educate the young. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that this measurement (wrong word. A measurement is the result of measuring something, such as a person's weight or the size of a room.) is not the best.

IELTS Writing task 2

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