IELTS WRITING TASK 1 (test 2) - Cambridge IELTS Book 5

This is my paragraph I wrote for the writing task 1 in book Cam5. Please help me correct and score (which band over 9 ?)
Thank you so much.

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The bar chart compares students in different age groups in term of why they want to study and how they are supported by employers.

It is clear that the proportion of students who chase the knowledge for career is much higher among the youth, while learning for interest is popular when people get older. Employer support is more preferentially given to younger learners.

Nearly 80% of students under 26 study for their future career, however, the figure for interest is only around 10%. The space between two purposes becomes narrower when learners get older and the percentages of two group are the same in their forties. The amount of people aged over 49 studying for interest is further higher than for finding a good position in society.

Employer is likely to provide more time off and help with fees for students who are under 26. From 30 to 39, they do receive the least advantage, only about 33% for the manager’s support, although this figure witnesses a slight increase when students get 40 and older.