IELTS Writing task 1: Please review my essay

Question

The bar graph illustrates the price of Toyota Camry, GPD per person and the length approximately to take it for a citizen to purchase it in 8 Asian countries. Overall, it is clear that Vietnamese people’s average yearly income stood at the second lowest place but the cost of a Toyota Camry was higher than all other nations except Singapore. Therefore, it took the longest amount of time for a person in Vietnam to afford an automobile. In contrast, Singaporeans had to pay nearly threefold for their cars and the estimated time for them to buy it was the shortest time.

1,910 dollars was earned by the Vietnamese, which was much lower, compared to car price, it cost 49,944 dollars. As a result, it would take a citizen 26.1 years to purchase a Toyota Camry.

On the other hand, Singapore was where people had to pay 126,245 dollars for that type of automobile. However, QDP per capita was greatly higher at 55,182 dollars so the amount of time to take a vehicle only over 2 years for a resident.

https://www.ieltsadvantage.com/2015/05/27/bar-chart-question-sample-essay-answer/

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar graph (wrong word. What kind of figure is this?) ~~illustrates~~ gives the price of a Toyota Camry, the GPD per person and the length approximately to take it for (ungrammatical. This is incorrect English.) a citizen to purchase it in eight 8 (If the value is not a data point, write it in words) Asian countries. Overall, it is clear that Vietnamese people’s average yearly income stood at the second lowest place but the cost of a Toyota Camry was higher than all other nations except Singapore. Therefore, it took the longest amount of time for a person in Vietnam to afford an automobile. In contrast, Singaporeans had to pay nearly threefold for their cars and the estimated time for them to buy it was the shortest time.

Do not mention any data in paragraph #1. Just describe the parameters of the diagram.

Write the most significant observations in paragraph #2.

Write some details in paragraph #3.

Overall, ~~it is clear that~~ (Do not use words like clear, evident, or obvious. These are opinion words. Do not write any opinions or conclusions in Task 1.) the Vietnamese people’s average yearly income (You did not mention this measurement in the first paragraph. You wrote three measures: price, GDP and time. This confuses the reader.) stood at the second lowest place but the price ~~cost~~ (Price and cost are not the same thing.) of a Toyota Camry was higher than in (You can't compare the cost of a car to a nation. We cannot buy a nation.) all other nations except Singapore. ~~Therefore~~, ( Do not write any conclusions in Task 1.) it took the longest amount of time for a person in Vietnam to purchase / buy ~~afford~~ an automobile. In contrast, Singaporeans had to pay nearly three~~fold~~ times as much ~~for their cars~~ (The chart does not show any other car model.) and the estimated time for them to buy it was the shortest time.

1,910 dollars (Never begin a sentence with a number written in digits.) was earned by the Vietnamese, which was much lower, compared to car price, (Comma splice error) it cost 49,944 dollars. ~~As a result,~~ (This is a conclusion.) it ~~would~~ takes a citizen 26.1 years to purchase a Toyota Camry.

~~On the other hand,~~ In Singapore ~~was where~~ people had to pay 126,245 dollars for that type of automobile. However, QDP per capita was ~~greatly~~ higher at 55,182 dollars and so the amount of time to take a vehicle only over 2 years (Be careful of using "over/under;" 12 years is over 2 years. So is 124 years.) for a resident.

In your essay, you only compared Singapore and Vietnam, but there were six other nations. Why did you leave out these other nations? Which nations were they? You should list these countries in paragraph 1.

Also, study common math vocabulary words for Task 1. In this example, using the words "ratio" and "correlation" correctly will get you a high score. These words are used to express an observation, but do not imply a reason or conclusion.

For example:

The ratio of the price of a Camry to the per capita income varied greatly among the countries. In Vietnam, it was the highest, 26:1, with Laos in second place at about 20:1 and Indonesia at 17.6:1. In China, the price was the lowest, $29,822, and its per capita income, $8807, giving a ratio of about 3.4:1. Singapore had the highest price, but also the highest income, giving the lowest ratio, just over 2:1. This ratio, or multiplier, is highly correlated with the time in years that it takes to purchase a Camry. In Vietnam, this is just over 26 years; in Laos, 21 years and only 2.2 years in Singapore.

IELTS Writing task 1: Please review my essay

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