IELTS WRITING TASK 1- please kindly help to review my essay

Question

The bar-chart illustrates data about the serious violent crime from 1978 to 2000 in the United State such as rape, robbery, aggravated assault and homicide.

Overall, the total violent crime with the highest number 3.1 offenses per thousand in 1980 and increate up to over 4,5 offenses per thousand in 1988. However, the trend was upbeat from 1990 to 2000 with decrease under 3 offenses in thousand.

Victimisations reported to police don’t have too much fluctuation, at a lower level between 2.2 to 2.5 offenses per thousand from 1978 to 1990 and have trend decreased under 1.5 from 1992 to 2000.In contrast, the crimes recorded by police strongly increase with the highest number is 1.7 offenses per thousand in 1994. Arrests for violent crime are the same with the crimes recorded by police situation, the number increase from 0.7 to 0.9 and don’t have fluctuation from 1990 to 2000.

Summary, the violent crime as well as vicimisations reported to police, crimes recorded by police and arrest for violent crime was fluctuation in the years of end century and have the trend to lower in the years of new century.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please attach an image of what you are writing about. We cannot help you if we can't see the figure.

Also, read my advice for Task 1 essays:

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Also, read my advice for Task 1 essays:

https://www.englishforums.com/English/IeltsTaskHintsTipsAdvice/bxgnkx/post.htm

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

The highlighted words are incorrect, inappropriate or poor English. I have given a detailed explanation following each paragraph. I hope it will help you to improve your writing.

The bar-chart illustrates data about the serious violent crime from 1978 to 2000 in the United State such as rape, robbery, aggravated assault and homicide.

1. Bar chart is not a hyphenated word. Besides, the figure is not a bar chart. Read my vocabulary words advice for the correct names of the various kinds of figures.
2. "Illustrate" means "make a picture". Do not use it for graphs and charts. Use it for maps, layouts and other types of figures which are pictures. Tell the reader exactly what is plotted.
3. The phrase must be directly after the item that it refers to.
4. There is no mention on the graph of "rape" or homicide". Do not make up words that are not mentioned.

Suggested opening:

The line graph plots various measures of the magnitude of serious violent crimes in the United States from 1978 to 2000. In particular, four specific indicators are given: total violent crime, actual arrests, incidents reported to police and incidents recorded by police. The units are in thousands of incidents.

Overall, the total violent crime with the highest number 3.1 offenses per thousand in 1980 and increate up to over 4,5 offenses per thousand in 1988. However, the trend was upbeat from 1990 to 2000 with decrease under 3 offenses in thousand.

1. Your first sentence has factual errors. The "highest number" is not 3.1. And it is not the lowest value of this indicator, either. Why did you pick 1980? That year is not particularly interesting.

2. "per thousand" is incorrect. The units are given in thousands. For example, "3.1" on the graph is 3,100.

3. "Upbeat" means "happy, good, feeling great." What is happy or nice about rape and murder?

4. "Under 3 offences" is not a good phrase because 1.1 is under 3, and so is 0.8 and so is 2.5. Be precise by using an adverb "Just under 3 / just below 3 / slightly below 3 / a little bit under 3"

5. "In thousand" is not good.

Suggested "overall " points:

The total violent crime varied from just under 3000 to a maximum value of about 4500 during the period. It hit that peak value in the year 1988. Correspondingly, the number of arrests was relatively small, varying in the range of 600 to 1000. The maximum value occurred in 1996, when the total numbered about 3500. The number of arrests in the peak crime year, 1988, was a little less than 500. The number recorded by the police was less than those that the victims reported to police until the year 2000. And both these indicators were always higher than the number of arrests.

Victimisations reported to police don’t have too much fluctuation, at a lower level between 2.2 to 2.5 offenses per thousand from 1978 to 1990 and have trend decreased under 1.5 from 1992 to 2000.In contrast, the crimes recorded by police strongly increase with the highest number is 1.7 offenses per thousand in 1994. Arrests for violent crime are the same with the crimes recorded by police situation, the number increase from 0.7 to 0.9 and don’t have fluctuation from 1990 to 2000.

Summary, the violent crime as well as vicimisations reported to police, crimes recorded by police and arrest for violent crime was fluctuation in the years of end century and have the trend to lower in the years of new century.

1. Don't: do not use contractions in formal writing. Write the full words "do not".

2. Read my advice about the word "fluctuation." Many students do not use this word correctly. So my advice is to set this word aside until you learn the situations in which it can be used.

3. Summary - A concluding paragraph is not required for Task 1. Put summary information in the second paragraph.

4, "Of end century" is inappropriate, vague and incorrect. Write specific year values. e.g. "from 1998 to 2001", between 1994 and 1999, over the years 1992 to 1997.

5. "have the trend to lower in the years of new century." This is very poor English, and it is factually incorrect. Examples:
The total number of violent crimes had / showed / exhibited a steadily decreasing trend from 1988 to the end of the period.
The crimes reported by police and the arrests leveled off / remained the same / were constant between 1998 and 2000 at values of about 1500 and 800 respectively.

IELTS WRITING TASK 1- please kindly help to review my essay

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