IELTS writing task 1 - Please help me correct my essay

Question

The chart below shows the value of one country’s exports in various categories during 2015 and 2016. The table shows the percentage change in each category of exports in 2016 compared with 2015.      Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.-------------------------------------The chart compares the earning money and the percentage variation of values by exported some categories in 2015 and 2016. These categories mentioned namely petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewelry, agricultural products, and textiles.Overall, petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewelry earned more money than agricultural products and textiles. Moreover, the decreasing trend was observed in gems and jewelry while the opposite trend was observed in four other categories.To begin with, petroleum products were the most valuable categories and exporting this category earned about 61 billion dollars in 2015. After that, the export earning peak to 64 billion dollars in 2016 and the change in value of petroleum products was 3% in percentage. Besides, the export turnover of engineered goods stood at 57 billion dollar in 2015 before went up to 63 billion dollar in 2016. The proportion change in value of engineered goods was 8.5%. Next, exporting agricultural products made about 31 billion dollars in 2015. In the next year, it increased to 32 billion dollars and the proportion of increasing value was 0.81%.In addition, the export earning of textiles was 36 billion dollars in 2015, compared to itself was 31 billion dollars in 2016. The percentage change in value of textiles was the highest, at 15.24%. On the other hand, the changing value of textiles in both years was 5.18% in percentage and textiles’ earning money reduced from 44 billion dollars in 2015 to 41 billion dollars in 2016.

Ductu135 · Accepted Answer

I am sorry. I corrected my mistake in the last paragraph. Please review this essay below:

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The chart compares the earning money and the percentage variation of values by exported some categories in 2015 and 2016. These categories mentioned namely petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewelry, agricultural products, and textiles.

Overall, petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewelry earned more money than agricultural products and textiles. Moreover, the decreasing trend was observed in gems and jewelry while the opposite trend was observed in four other categories.

To begin with, petroleum products were the most valuable categories and exporting this category earned about 61 billion dollars in 2015. After that, the export earning peak to 64 billion dollars in 2016 and the change in value of petroleum products was 3% in percentage. Besides, the export turnover of engineered goods stood at 57 billion dollars in 2015 before went up to 63 billion dollars in 2016. The proportion change in value of engineered goods was 8.5%. Next, exporting agricultural products made about 31 billion dollars in 2015. In the next year, it increased to 32 billion dollars and the proportion of increasing value was 0.81%.

In addition, the export earning of textiles was 36 billion dollars in 2015, compared to itself that was 31 billion dollars in 2016. The percentage change in value of textiles was the highest, at 15.24%. On the other hand, the changing value of gems and jewelry in both years was 5.18% in percentage and gems and jewelry's earning money reduced from 44 billion dollars in 2015 to 41 billion dollars in 2016.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The (What kind of chart?) chart compares the earning money (wrong expression. Money does not earn anything.) and the percentage variation of values by exported some categories (wrong expression. It makes no sense) in 2015 and 2016. These categories are ~~mentioned namely~~ (Mention means to say. There is no one talking here.) petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewelry, agricultural products, and textiles.

Suggested opening paragraph:

There are two figures, a bar chart and a table, which give related data, that is, the value of exported goods for five different categories in two separate years, 2015 and 2016 for one particular country. The difference between them is that the bar chart plots absolute values in billions of dollars for each year, whereas the table lists the percentage change in the values between the two years for each category. The five categories are petroleum products, engineered goods, agricultural products, textiles and gems and jewelry.

Overall, petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewelry earned more money than agricultural products and textiles. Moreover, ~~the decreasing~~ ~~trend~~ You cannot tell a trend from only two data points. It might be an anomaly. ) a decrease was observed in gems and jewelry while the opposite ~~trend~~ was observed in the four other categories.

~~To begin with,~~ (Not a very good phrase.) Petroleum products were the most valuable categories (wrong form. You are taking about one category, not many.) and exporting ~~this category~~ these products (The products, not the category, was exported.) earned about 61 billion dollars in 2015. After that, the ~~export~~ earnings peak (wrong word. There is no peak when you only have two data points. ) went up by 3% to 64 billion dollars in 2016 (The data in the bar chart and the table is the same. Three percent of 61 is just under 2 billion dollars. The chart shows the increase from about 61 to 63) ~~and the change in value of petroleum products was 3% in percentage~~. Besides, the export turnover (wrong word. Turnover is used for retail shops, not for manufactured goods which are exported.) of engineered goods stood at 57 billion dollar (wrong form) in 2015 before went up (wrong verb form) to 63 billion dollar in 2016. The proportion (wrong word. The values are measured in percentage points. You cannot use "proportion" in this case.) Note that 8.5 percent of 57 is just under 5. You must be sure that your numbers are accurate. 57+5 is not 63, but 62.) change in value of engineered goods was 8.5%. Next, exporting agricultural products made about 31 billion dollars in 2015. In the next year, it increased to 32 billion dollars and the proportion of increasing value (wrong expression.) was 0.81%.

~~In addition, t~~ The export ~~earning~~ of textiles brought in ~~was~~ 36 billion dollars in 2015, compared to itself was (wrong expression.) 31 billion dollars in 2016. The percentage change in value of textiles was the highest of all the categories, at 15.24%. On the other hand, the ~~changing~~ value of textiles (wrong category.) in both years was 5.18% in percentage (incorrect expression.) and textiles’ (wrong category .) earning money (wrong expression.) reduced from 44 billion dollars in 2015 to 41 billion dollars in 2016. (Your last sentence is completely incorrect. You have the wrong category and the wrong percentage change - it should be negative 5.18%.)

You need to practice writing Task 1 essays a lot more. It is a very difficult exercise. You are expected to understand mathematical expressions and related vocabulary. You just write your observations in precise, neutral language without drawing any conclusions.

In this example, the examiner would see if you understood that the data in the table could be calculated from the chart. It is not evident that you recognized this relationship.

IELTS writing task 1 - Please help me correct my essay

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