[IELTS Writing Task 1] Please help me correct and rate my work

Question

The table gives information on the actual proportion of families in Britain using appliances from 1972 to 1983

Over the span, British television and vacuum cleaner users remain stably dominant. Meanwhile, video and dishwasher consumers percentage had just found their ways to the figure since 1983 and 1978, respectively.

While television and vacuum cleaner proportion do not show a noticeable discrepancy throughout the years, those of central heating, refrigerator, washing machine, telephone had made quite a huge change. The percentage of household owning them had increased nearly 30 percent over 11 years

In contrast, while many others had secured a place in British families since early years, video and dishwasher user had only been noticed after 1978. In terms of dishwasher, it had just only appeared in houses since 1978 an showed an extremely slow increasing, whereas videos made it appearance in families in 1983 and reached a percentage up to 18 percent.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote barely over the minimum. You should stay on the safe side by writing about 170 words.
You need to work on natural English phrases.

The table gives ~~information on~~ (That is not good. "information" is vague and could mean anything.) the ~~actual~~ proportion of families in Britain using (wrong word. You can use a washing machine in a store called washeteria. You can wash your clothes in a neighbors house, and use their machine. You can use the machine, when you do not own one. "Owning" is very different from "using".) appliances ~~from~~ for eight of the years between 1972 and to 1983 (missing punctuation)

Over ~~the~~ this time span, (A span can be distance. "Time" is required.) British television and vacuum cleaner users (wrong word remain stably dominant. (wrong expression - unnatural ) Meanwhile, video and dishwasher consumers percentage (not a natural expression) had just found their ways to the figure (wrong word) since 1983 and 1978, respectively.

While television and vacuum cleaner proportion (not a natural expression) do not show a noticeable discrepancy (wrong word - a discrepancy is a mistake or error.) throughout the years, those of central heating, refrigerator, washing machine, telephone had made quite a ~~huge~~ ("Huge" is a juvenile - baby's -word. Avoid it in university-level writing.) significant change. The percentage of household (wrong form) owning them had increased nearly 30 percent over 11 years (missing punctuation)

In contrast, while many others had secured a place in British families since early years, (wrong expression) video and dishwasher user (wrong expression) had only been noticed (wrong word) after 1978. In terms of dishwasher, it had just only appeared in houses since 1978 an (wrong word) showed an extremely slow (ungrammatical) increasing, whereas videos made it appearance (wrong words) in families in 1983 and reached a percentage up to (wrong words) of 18 percent.

Sample essay ~175 words.

Paragraph 1: Describe the features of the table, but not the content.

The table lists the percentages of UK households that owned various types of appliances for eight specific years in the interval 1972-1983. There are eight rows, varying from central heating and kitchen appliances (refrigerators and dishwashers), to entertainment (video players and televisions).

Paragraph 2: Pick out 2 or 3 main features.

Overall, during this period most families had a television, vacuum cleaner and refrigerator, whereas very few owned a dishwasher or video player, the latter only showing up in 1983. The percentages of all these goods increased. There is one missing data point, for vacuum cleaners in the last year.

Paragraph 3: Give some details, but focus on comparisons.

In detail, by the end of the period, all of these durable goods were installed in UK households, but while nearly everyone (98%) had a television or a refrigerator (94%), only one in twenty had bought a dishwasher. The three items with the largest increases in ownership were: telephones which rose by 35% from 42 to 77%, central heat up by 27% from 37 to 64%, and refrigerators up by 19% from 75 to 94%. Two of these items were invented during the time span; dishwashers were new in 1978 and video devices in 1983.

[IELTS Writing Task 1] Please help me correct and rate my work

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