IELTS writing task 1 - Please help me check this essay

Question

In

The table shows the percentage of students who coped with some difficulties in education for a decade from 2005 to 2015 in two separate primary schools (School A and School B). Those difficulties listed are reading ability, handwriting, spelling, listening skills, verbal expression of ideas, concentration in lessons, and following instructions.

Overall, the table’s data is measured in percentages. Besides, almost the proportion of children who had educational problems in school A tended to decrease dramatically after 10 years, compared with those in school B increased slightly.

First of all, in school A, the educational problem that had the highest percentage of students who stuck in was following instructions with 42% in 2005. After 10 years, a dramatic reduction was observed and the percentage of this dropped down to 18%, the lowest percentage in the whole table. Another problem, the concentration in lessons had the same proportion of children with the following instruction – 18% in 2015, it decreased enormously from 40% to 18%. Obviously, two problems include reading ability and handwriting still be unsolved. The proportion of children who faced reading ability remained stable with 28%, whereas this of the handwriting slightly increased by 1% and stood at 23% after 10 years.

school B, the data almost increased but this increase was not considerable. Two problems that huge children faced were concentration in lessons and verbal expression of ideas. The student percentage of them were 15% and 14% respectively in 2005 and they had the same 15% with each other in 2015. In addition, the students who deal with following instruction and spelling in 2005 were 6% and 5% respectively but they were twice as much as themselves (12% and 10% respectively) in 2015. Other problems, the proportion of children just went by 1% for a decade

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Why have you not learned from my previous advice? You will get very low marks and it is a very very simple problem. You wrote nearly 300 words, while the minimum is 150.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.

Second, especially in Task 2, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. In Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.

Here are the instructions in all Task 1 essays:

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The instructions are not: Write about every number in this figure.

Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score as Task 1.

For Task 1, aim to write 170-190 words. Practice writing these tests and counting your words so that you will know if you have written too much!

The table shows the percentage of students who coped with some (how many?) difficulties in education for a decade from 2005 to 2015 (Each student tried to solve these educational problems over a period of ten years. That is not what is in the table. A decade is a time span. There are only two time points, not an interval.) in two separate primary schools (School A and School B). (When there are more than six categories, do not bother to list them individually. You can give examples of two or three. ) Those difficulties listed are reading ability, handwriting, spelling, listening skills, verbal expression of ideas, concentration in lessons, and following instructions.

The table lists the percentage of students in two different primary schools, A and B, who experienced learning difficulties. Data is given for two years a decade apart, 2005 and 2015. There are seven specific difficulties in three areas such as reading, writing, and classroom conduct.

Overall, the table’s data is measured in percentages. (repetitious. You already wrote "percentage" in the first paragraph. Do not repeat the same information.) Besides, almost the proportion (ungrammatical) of children ~~who had educational problems~~ (repetitious. You already told the reader about these children.) in school A ~~tended to~~ decreased ~~dramatically~~ for five of the seven skills and were about the same for the other two ~~after 10 years~~, compared with those in school B, which increased in five of them, and were the same for two. ~~increased slightly~~ .

You should not use vague terms such as "tended." Pick out the most significant points for the second paragraph.

You can group these skills together into categories. For example "reading and writing skills" is one group which would cover reading ability, spelling and handwriting. "classroom behavior" would include "listening, following instructions and concentrating )

First of all, in school A, the educational problem that had the highest percentage of students who stuck in (ungrammatical) was following instructions with 42% in 2005. After 10 years, a dramatic reduction occurred ~~was observed~~ and ~~the percentage of this~~ it dropped down to 18%, the lowest percentage in the whole table. (That is just wrong. There are percentages of 5 and 6 in the table. And 18 is higher than 5!) Another problem, the concentration in lessons had the same proportion of children with the following instruction – 18% in 2015, it decreased enormously from 40% to 18%. Obviously, two problems include reading ability and handwriting still be unsolved. (Do not write conclusions or deductions in Task 1) The proportion of children who faced reading ability remained ~~stable~~ constant with 28%, whereas ~~this of the~~ handwriting slightly increased by 1% and stood at 23% after 10 years.

school B, the data almost increased (wrong expression) but this increase was not considerable. Two problems that huge children (Were these children overweight or very tall?) faced were concentration in lessons and verbal expression of ideas. The ~~student~~ percentage (wrong form) ~~of them~~ were 15% and 14% respectively in 2005 and they had the same 15% ~~with each other~~ in 2015. In addition, the students who deal with following instruction (wrong form) and spelling in 2005 were 6% and 5% respectively but they were twice ~~as much as themselves~~ that (12% and 10% respectively) in 2015. For the other problems, the proportion of children just went by 1% ~~for a decade~~

Example:

The table compares the percentages of pupils in two primary schools, A and B, who demonstrated difficulties with skills such as reading, writing and behavior. Data is provided for seven specific problems and for two years, 2005 and 2015.

Overall, students in school A showed a vast improvement compared to those in school B. In the former, percentages went down in five of the seven problem areas. In the latter, percentages doubled in two of the areas. However, there was a marked difference between these schools in that far fewer students in school B had any of these problems. Their percentages were less than half in every category in 2005 as opposed to school A. The gap closed somewhat by 2015, but the differences between them were still quite significant.

In detail, following instructions was the most pressing issue for school A in 2005. The proportions were almost cut in half from 42 to 18%. In contrast, the percentages in school B doubled, from 6 to 12%. The problem of reading ability showed very little change in both schools, going from 8 to 9% for B and 22 to 23% for A. Handwriting had no change at all, 7% and 28% for schools B and A respectively.

IELTS writing task 1 - Please help me check this essay

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions