IELTS writing task 1 - Line graph

Question

Hello,I've finished my IELTS writing task 1. Please take your time to help me review it. Thanks a lot!Question: The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.My essay:The line graph compares the percentage of population being older than 65 years old in the USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040.Overall, the percentage of population aged 65 years and over has increased in three countries during the research period. At first, Japan had the smallest percentage of elderly people; however its figure is predicted to become the biggest at the end of the period.In 1940, the USA had the largest proportion of elderly people with nearly 10%, compared with 7% and 5% of Sweden and Japan respectively. Over the following 78 years, there was a slight drop of about 3.5% in Japanese population aged over 65 years in 1983, but later the figure went up to nearly 7% in 2018. At the same time, the figures of the USA and Sweden increased to 20% and 14% respectively.Between 2018 and 2040, the proportion of Japanese old people is predicted to rise the most rapidly to 27% in 2040. Also, there is a dramatic increase in the predicted figures of  the USA and Sweden, with 9% and 6% respectively.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph compares the percentage of population ~~being~~ older than 65 years old in the USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040.

Overall, the percentage of population aged 65 years and over has increased in three countries during the ~~research~~ (There is no information that this was any research study.) period. At first, Japan had the smallest percentage of elderly (People aged 65 are not considered "elderly".) people; however ~~its figure~~ (In academic articles, "figure" is an illustration or graph inserted into the text. ) it is predicted to have the largest value ~~become the biggest~~ at the end of the period.

In 1940, the USA had the largest proportion of elderly people with nearly 10%, compared with 7% and 5% of Sweden and Japan respectively. Over the following 78 years, there was a slight drop of about 3.5% in Japanese population aged over 65 years in 1983, but later ~~the figure~~ this went up to nearly 7% in 2018. At the same time, the ~~figures~~ percentages in of the USA and Sweden increased to 20% and 14% respectively.

Between 2018 and 2040, the proportion of Japanese old people is predicted to rise the most rapidly to 27% in 2040. Also, there is a dramatic increase in the predicted values for ~~figures of~~ the USA and Sweden, with 9% and 6% respectively.

Some suggestions for an essay on this line graph:

Japan:

Between 1940 and 1985, the proportion of the oldest segment of the population declined 50%, from 5% to 2.5%, most of it occurring in the first two decades. This changed to an exponentially rising pattern after 1985, which is projected to continue to 2030, when it reaches 25%. Between 2030 and 2040, an additional 2% rise is expected.

Sweden:

The data in Sweden shows a linear upward trend of about 1.8% per year, starting at 7% in 1940, and ending at 25% in 1940. However, there are deviations of +2 and - 4% from the best fit straight line drawn through the data. For example, where a straight-line fit would give 21% in 2023, the actual value is predicted to be 18%.

USA:

The USA data is best described in three time periods, an approximately linear increase from 1948-1980 at a rate of 0.15% per year, a period of a decline of 1% from 1980-2020, followed by an exponential increase to 2040. The ending value is predicted to be about 23%.

IELTS writing task 1 - Line graph

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