IELTS writing task 1: Could you please check my essay?

Question

The charts below show the results of a survey conducted by a universitylibrary to find out the opinions of full-time and part-time students about its services.EssayThe pie charts illustrate the results of a survey carried out by a university library to find out the opinions of full-time and part-time students, about its IT support and opening hours.Overall, it is showed that full-time students are more satisfied with IT support than part-time students, whilst part-time students are happier with the opening hours.As for IT support, the number of full-time students who are very satisfied is more than triple to that of part-time students, at 55% and 20% respectively. Students in both sides share almost the same proportion in being quite happy, with 32% for full-time students and 35% for part-time students. Also, the number of part-time students who are the least satisfied are over three fold larger than the other, showed by the relative figures 45% and 13%.In terms of opening hours, nearly three-quarters of full-time students said they were very happy, at around 67%, whilst the figure even grows larger to 72% for part-time students. The proportions of students who are the least happy in both sides are significant small, at 1% and 5% respectively. Moreover, there is an inconsiderable difference in percentages between full-time students and part-time students saying they were quite happy, about 9% in favour of part-time students.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The four pie charts illustrate (present / show / give ) the results of a survey carried out by a university library to find out the opinions of full-time and part-time students, (no comma) about its IT support and opening hours.

Overall, ~~it is showed that~~ (unnecessary ver

Overall, ~~it is showed that~~ (unnecessary verbiage) full-time students are more satisfied with IT support than part-time students, whilst part-time students are happier with the opening hours. (Really? I see that 99% of full-time students are happy with the opening hours as compared to 95% of the part-time students.)

As for IT support, the number (wrong word) of full-time students who are very satisfied is more than triple (Incorrect. Triple 20% is 60% and 60% is less than, not more, than 54%) to that of part-time students, at 55% and 20% respectively.

(Number is the wrong word. For example, suppose there are 2,000 full-time students and 12,000 part-time students. Of the full time students, 54%, or 1,080, are very satisfied but 2,400 (20% of 12,000) part-time students are very satisfied. The number of very satisfied full-time students is less than half the number of very satisfied part-time students!)

Students in both groups ~~sides share~~ have almost the same proportion in being quite happy, with 32% for full-time students and 35% for part-time students. Also, the number (wrong word) of part-time students who are ~~the least~~ not satisfied (13%) are (wrong form) over three times ~~fold~~ larger than the other group (45%). , ~~showed by the relative figures 45% and 13%.~~

In terms of opening hours, nearly three-quarters (Wrong. 3/4 is 75%, but that isn't close to what the chart shows.) of full-time students said they were very happy, at around 67%, (wrong value) whilst the figure (wrong word) percentage is ~~even grows~~ larger, to 72% , (You have the data values incorrect. It is 87% for full-time students and 72% for part-time students) for part-time students. The proportions of students who are the least happy dissatisfied in both groups sides are significant (wrong word, wrong form) small, at 1% and 5% respectively. Moreover, there is ~~an inconsiderable~~ some difference in percentages between full-time students and part-time students saying they were quite happy, about 9% in favour of more for the part-time students.

IELTS writing task 1: Could you please check my essay?

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