IELTS Writing Task 1

Question

Can you check my writing for me, please? I appreciate your help. Thank you

My essay:

The line chart indicates the number of money was spent in the bakery on three different kinds of goods namely (Bread, Buns, and Pies) from January to December in 2014.

Overall, it is clear that bread and buns tend to have been more lucrative than pies but the sales of buns soaring high and drops like a rock in December. It can also be seen that both bread and pies upsurge peaking in December in 2014.

In greater detail, sales of bread in January were valued at $80,000 but this figure fell to around $45,000 in March. In that time their numbers fluctuated from $60,000 in April to $52,000 in August. It also varied a great deal, and in September the percentage dropped back to its starting point of $45,000 before rocketing up to finish at $80,000 in December.

In January, Bun sales stood at $40,000 but quickly rose to $70,000 in May and remained stable until August before they plummeted to just $30,000 in December. In addition, the value of pies sold slowly increased from $10,000 in January to reach $20,000 in August, then it climbed steadily to about $40,000 in December.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line chart(There are pie charts, bar charts, eye charts, organization charts and gantt charts, but there is no such thing as a line chart. Please learn the correct names of these figures.) indicates(Not a good word choice. ) the number of money(Money is non-count. There is no such thing as one money, two moneys or ten moneys.) was spent in a ~~the~~ bakery on three different kinds of goods, namely (Bread, Buns, and Pies) from January to December in 2014.

Opening paragraph:

The line graph plots the monthly income from the sales of each of three popular bakery items (bread, buns, and pies) during the year 2014.

Overall, ~~it is clear that~~ (Do not use these kinds of clauses. They convey no information. ) bread and buns tend to have generated more sales ~~been~~ ~~more lucrative~~ than pies but the sales of buns soaring high and drops ~~like a rock~~ (Do not use colorful figures of speech in Task 1. You are writing for a maths lecturer. You need to use mathematical language. ) in December. ~~It can also be seen that~~ both bread and pies upsurge peaking (wrong word - there are no peaks in December. ) in December ~~in 2014~~. (You already gave the year. Do not repeat it.)

In ~~greater~~ detail, sales of bread in January amounted to ~~were valued at~~ $80,000 but ~~this figure~~ (The figure is the whole graph.) fell to around $45,000 in March. In that time their numbers went up ~~fluctuated~~ from $60,000 in April to $52,000 in August. It also varied a great deal, and in September the percentage (I see no percentages on this graph, do you?) dropped back to its starting point of $45,000 before rocketing (Do not use such wild words. They are not math/science words. There are no spaceships or rockets on this graph.) up to finish at $80,000 in December.

In January, Bun sales stood at $40,000 but quickly rose to $70,000 in May and remained stable until August before they declined / decreased / went down / dropped sharply ~~plummeted~~ to just $30,000 in December. In addition, the income from ~~value of~~ pies sold slowly increased from $10,000 in January to reach $20,000 in August, then it climbed steadily to about $40,000 in December.

You did not do a good job of comparisons. The task says "make comparisons where relevant." Making some comparisons gets you a much better score than just copying the numbers from the graph and writing them in words. Here are some comparisons as an example. You should include perhaps two or three of this kind of comparison.

In January, the top seller was bread, ($80 thousand) which was double the sales of buns and eight times that of pies. There was also a large gap between them in December, with bread generating double the income of pies, ($80 thousand versus $40 thousand) and buns falling into third place at $30 thousand.
Except for one month, December, pies were the least profitable of the three products. The difference was quite significant in most months, $30 thousand or more.
Sales from pies and bread went up steadily in the last quarter of the year, in contrast with buns, which decreased. Peak sales for buns occurred from May through August, a steady income of $70 thousand per month.
Bread sales varied a lot more than pies, which steadily increased over the year, except for a plateau in August through October.
Buns earned the bakery more money than the other two products between March and September.

IELTS Writing Task 1

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