Ielts writing task 1

Question

I have wrote a new writing task 1. Please my writing. Thank you very much.

Topic: The graph below gives the information about the popular activities that Australian children took part in 2012.

The given bar chart illustrates detailed information about the several common leisure activities that children aged 5 to 14 joined in Australia in 2012.

Overall, it is clear that there were a significant differences in the interests of boys and girls, except watching TV or videos.

In detail, the most striking feature is that watching television and videos was the most popular activities with 100 percent of both boys and girls participating. Around 80% of boys took part in playing computer or electronic games, while three-fifths of girls spent their free time on this activities. The figures for riding bike tend to be similar with the former, a very large majority in boys participate compared to nearly 60% of girls.

In contrast to, the proportion of boys and girls joining in art and craft was more than that of boys with under 60% in comparison to nearly 40%. Finally, skateboarding or rollerblading were the least common attitudes with children surveyed.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please make a separate post for a new essay.

The ~~given~~ (awkward, unnatural) bar chart ~~illustrates~~ (Illustrate means "make a picture." Use it for maps, flow charts, and diagrams, not for charts and graphs.) gives / compares / plots detailed information about That is not specific enough. Exactly what is on the chart?) the several (How many, exactly?) common (?) leisure activities that children aged 5 to 14 joined in Australia in 2012. (You did not tell the reader what was on the chart. What is measured? What are the measurement units? How many bars are there? What are the labels on the bars? This is a very uninformative opening paragraph.)

Model opening: This model paragraph tells the reader all about the figure. It does not tell the reader about the data content. The purpose of the chart is to compare how much the boys versus the girls did certain activities. So "compare" is a good word to use.

The bar chart compares the level of participation, measured in percentages, of Australian boys and girls in five different free time activities. The five activities are watching TV, computer gaming, riding bikes, skateboarding and arts and crafts. The data is from 2012 and the children surveyed were between 5 and 14 years old.

Overall, ~~it is clear that~~ (That tells the reader nothing about the information.) there were a significant differences in the interests of boys and girls, except for watching TV or videos. (You should give two or three major observations. You only gave one. e.g. Boys had a higher level of participation in all activities except arts and crafts)

In detail, the ~~most striking feature is that~~ watching television and videos was the most popular activities (Most popular gives only one thing.) with 100 percent of both boys and girls participating. Around 80% of boys took part in playing computer or electronic games, while three-fifths of girls spent their free time on this activities. (It is one category.) The ~~figures~~ (wrong usage) percentages for riding bike (wrong form) tend to be similar with the former, a ~~very large~~ majority in boys participate compared to nearly 60% of girls. (60% is also a majority. A majority is 51% or more)

~~In contrast to,~~ the proportion of boys and girls joining in art and craft (You cannot compare "boys and girls" with "boys". That does not make any sense.) was more than that of boys with under 60% in comparison to nearly 40%. Finally, skateboarding or rollerblading were the least common attitudes (wrong word and wrong form) ~~with~~ among the children surveyed.

Ielts writing task 1

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