IELTS Writing task 1

Question

Please help me to review this essay. Thank you so much!

(CENTER)

The two given bar charts illustrate four different choices excluding taking a full-time job of graduate and postgraduate students in the UK after graduation in 2008.

Roughly speaking, a majority of UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not work full-time chose to study further after leaving college, while only a small number of them decided to take voluntary work.

In 2008, among graduate students, there are 29.665 people pursued further studies instead of taking full-time work after graduation. This figure was recorded at 17.735, 16.235 and 3.500 students for part-time work, unemployment and voluntary work respectively.

In the postgraduate category, studying further still took the highest position in the preference of those who did not go into a full-time job with 2.725 students, followed closely by working part-time with 2.535 students. There were also 1.525 jobless students after leaving college, compared to only 345 of them chose to do a voluntary job.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The two ~~given~~ bar charts illustrate (wrong word) four different choices (That is not what the charts show. They show numbers of people in four employment categories. ) excluding taking a full-time job of graduate and postgraduate students in the UK after graduation in 2008.

Roughly speaking, a majority (Majority means more than half, or 50%. For the graduates, 29665 out of 67135 chose further study. That is about 45%. It is not a majority. The percentage for postgraduates is even less, 37%. Be careful to use mathematical terms very precisely.) of UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not work full-time chose to study further after leaving college, while only a small number of them decided to take voluntary work.

In 2008, (You don't need to repeat this. It is in the first paragraph.) among graduate students, there are 29.665 people (missing word) pursued further studies instead of taking full-time work after graduation. This number ~~figure~~ was recorded at 17.735, 16.235 and 3.500 students for part-time work, unemployment and voluntary work respectively.

In the postgraduate category, studying further still took the highest position in the preference of those who did not go into a full-time job with 2.725 students, followed closely by working part-time with 2.535 students. There were also 1.525 jobless students after leaving college, compared to only 345 of them (missing word) chose to do a voluntary job.

You missed the point that there were many more graduates (67137) than postgraduates (7230).

You can use these numbers to compare the outcomes between these two groups. This will give you a higher score than simply copying numbers in each category.

Among the postgraduates, 35% took part time jobs as opposed to about a quarter of the graduates. About the same percentage were unemployed, a quarter of graduates and 22% of postgraduates. About one in twenty in each group ( 5%) took on voluntary work.

IELTS Writing task 1

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