IELTS Writing task 1

Question

Hi everyone,Please help me to check this essay. Thank youThe maps illustrate the transformations that have occurred at West Park Secondary School since it was constructed in the year 1950.As can be seen that from the maps, it is clearly evident that there were some shifts in the area during the researched period. For example, school was expanded and houses were knocked down to make way for car park and science block.In 1950, West Park Secondary School had four works including the houses, school, farmland, and playground. In the top left of the map were the houses which were next to the school. There was a playground erected adjacent to farmland in the bottom right of the diagram. In 1980, the studied area witnessed many significant changes. The houses were torn down to give away to the car park and science block which was the extension of the school and next to the main building of it. While the sports field was built as a replacement of farmland, both school and playground remained at the previous position.Until the year 2010, the demolition of the sports field led to the enlargement of the car park. The playground stayed the same position but a part of its area was converted into the sports field beside the car park.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The maps illustrate the transformations (not a very good synonym.) that have occurred at West Park Secondary School since it was constructed in the year 1950. (This implies that you will describe the changes up to the present day, 2018.)

As can be seen ~~that~~ from the maps, it is clearly evident that ther

As can be seen ~~that~~ from the maps, it is clearly evident that there were some shifts in the area during the ~~researched~~ (There is no indication in the instructions of any research. This sentence is not very insightful. "Shift" is not a an effective descriptive word. The underlined part has little or no information for the reader. We know you are looking at the maps. ) period. For example, the school was expanded and houses were knocked down to make way for a car park and science block.

In 1950, West Park Secondary School had four works (wrong word) including the houses, (Are you sure the houses were part of the school?) school, farmland, and playground. In the top left of the map were the houses which were next to the school. There was a playground ~~erected~~ adjacent to farmland in the bottom right of the diagram. In 1980, the ~~studied~~ area witnessed many significant changes. The houses were torn down to give away to the car park (How do you know that the houses were torn down in 1980 and not in 1957, 1968 or 1973?) and a science block which was the extension of the school and next to the main building ~~of it~~. While the sports field was built as a replacement of farmland, (Incorrect description. The farmland was converted into a sports field.) both school and playground remained at the previous position.

Until the year 2010, the demolition (wrong word. We demolish buildings, not fields.) of the sports field led to the enlargement of the car park. The playground stayed the same position but a part of its area was converted into the sports field beside the car park.

Things that you missed in the overview paragraph.

Three maps show the development of the school and its surrounding area in 1950, 1980 and 2010. The time period covered is 60 years.

Three things did not change, the main road running east-west on the north side of the school, the main school building and the playground on the south east corner of the plot, although the playground lost about a third of its area.

The school's property doubled in size, by its annexing (acquiring) a housing area on the west side and farmland to the south and west of the main building. This happened between 1950 and 1980.

IELTS Writing task 1

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