IELTS Writing Task 1 - 03/05/2020. (Practise)

Question

Task 1: The graph below shows the percentage of people in different age groups in one city who attended music concerts between 2010 and 2015.

(This is the first time, I write a line graph for IELTS. My content needs correcting. Help me do it, please!
Thanks.

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The given graph illustrates the proportion of individuals in varied generations in a city who took part in music shows from 2010 to 2015.

Overall, the proportion of most generations slightly increased over 5 years. Although these trends of groups were not similar in terms of a general increase, the proportion average of the youngest group in most years was higher than that of others.

In 2010, the 25-44 age group was the one having the highest percentage - over 50%. One year later, this group had decreased significantly to exactly 40%, which resulted in the overtaking of adolescent age. In detail, the adolescent age had risen approximately 15% from 40% to 55% in the 2010-2011 period to become the highest. Throughout the remainder of the period, there was a gradual growth in 16-24 and 25-44 age groups, which grew to 70% and around 54%, respectively, in 2015.

Turning to remaining groups, similar to the 25-44 age group, the 45-54 age group had a similar trend to the 25-44 age group. It dropped to nearly 30% in 2010 before having a remarkable increase to reach approximately 50%, in 2015. The 55-64 age group’s attendance at music concerts declined slightly from about 25% in 2010 to approximately 22% in 2015. By contrast, the figure for the elderly who are aged 75 or over rose from 10% to just above 20%, despite some small drops in between.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

Where's the graph?

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Khanhphan1109 · Answer

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7.0 IETLS Quyết Tâm · Answer

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

The ~~given~~ line graph illustrates (wrong word. Use "illustrate" for pictures and diagrams, not for graphs and charts.) the proportion of individuals in varied generations (wrong expression. A generation relates to children, parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. Each level is a different generation..) in a city who took part in (Take part in means that they sang or played a musical instrument. That is not what is plotted.) music shows from 2010 to 2015.

(The "overall" paragraph needs to have the most important points that you see in the graph. You did not notice the gap - there was no data for the people aged 65-74. ..)

Overall, the proportion of most generations (wrong expression.) slightly increased over these five 5 years. (You need to write "these" because it is a specific five year span.) Although these trends of groups were not similar in terms of a general increase, the proportion ~~average~~ of the youngest group in most years was higher than that of others.

In 2010, the 25-44 age group (You never mentioned age groups!) was the one having the highest percentage - over 50%. One year later, this group had decreased significantly to exactly 40%, which resulted in the overtaking of adolescent age. (wrong expression. Adolescents are younger than 18..) ~~In detail,~~ (This is a transition phrases for the start of the paragraph, not in the middle) the adolescent age (wrong expression.) had risen approximately 15% from 40% to 55% in the 2010-2011 period to become the highest. Throughout the remainder of the period, there was a gradual growth in 16-24 and 25-44 age groups, which ~~grew to~~ were 70% and around 54%, respectively, in 2015.

~~Turning to remaining groups,~~ Similar to the 25-44 age group, the 45-54 age group had a similar (repetitive) trend to the 25-44 age group. (repetitive.) It dropped to nearly 30% in 2010 before having a ~~remarkabl~~e increase to reach approximately 50%, in 2015. The 55-64 age group’s attendance at music concerts declined slightly from about 25% in 2010 to approximately 22% in 2015. By contrast, the ~~figur~~e ~~for the~~ percentage of elderly who are aged 75 or over rose from 10% to just above 20%, despite some small drops in between.

Diagram illustrating generations.

Sample essay. Note that in the first paragraph, I give names to the age groups. That makes it easy to refer to them by name in the body paragraphs.

The line graph plots the proportion of residents of a certain city who went to a music concert in the years 2010 to 2015. They are divided into six age brackets, the young (16-24), adults (25-54), middle-aged adults (45-54), older adults (55-64) and seniors (over 75). Notably, there is no data for the age group 65-74.

Overall, the most noticeable trend was that the younger the age group, the more popular the concerts were. In the first year, however, the two youngest groups went counter to this observation with the youngest having less attendance than the adults 25-44. In 2015, the percentages were in the same order as the ages of the groups. During the five-year period, the percentages in all age groups went up, except for the older adults (55-64), which decreased slightly.

Music concerts became much more popular for the youngest group; whereas only four in ten went in 2010, seven in ten did in 2015. They surpassed the adult group in 2011, which had had a decline in attendance from 2010 from 50 to 40%. The age group with the least variation was the older adults (45-54); their proportions remained in the range from 22-29%. The oldest group, seniors over 75, had the smallest attendance; the highest proportions being recorded in 2011 and 2015 at just over one in five.

IELTS Writing Task 1 - 03/05/2020. (Practise)

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