IELTS Writing Academic Task 2

Question

Could you pls check my essay and tell me what mark can i get by writing this essay in the real test. Thanks

Essay topic: Some people think that government financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians. Other believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources.

Dicuss both views and give your own opinion.

People nowadays have two different view that government should give financial aid for creative naturalists, painters and musicians for example to support as well as encourage them keep doing artistic things. In other word, some believe that creative artists should be funded by other alternative sources.

Firstly, do artists really need financial support from the state to accomplish their art projects? In my opinion, they definitely require help from possibility supporters and institution for the artistic projects. In UK, there are a ton of publicized works in spaces like street or square in city center. There are several sculptural statues are along the street in Liverpool and these statues has been redeveloped recently and as a result, it costs thousands of dollar each statue. So that is the reason people believe government should give them financial aid to continue their projects because without their funding, our cities would be less interesting and also lack of attractive.

On the other hand, government have more important concerns need to be solve as soon as possible than the payment for creative naturalists. Over population and global warming for instant. If they focus on the art projects, some detrimental things going to happen in the long run and the money need to pay for creative artist is not a small number. And instead of paying for artists, it is more helpful if they pay that aid for schooling and support some poor families. That is why other people believe that alternative sources should give financial support for artists rather than government.

In conclusion, believe that it can be both good if one of two support institutions cited above give aid for creative naturalists.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Dung DangEssay topic: Some people think that government financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians. Other believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources.

The first topic sentence is ungrammatical. Are you sure you copied it correctly?

People nowadays have two different view that government should give financial aid for creative naturalists, painters and musicians for example to support as well as encourage them (missing word) keep doing artistic things. In other word, some believe that creative artists should be funded by other alternative sources.

There are many problems with your opening paragraph.

1. You do not use plural forms where required.
2. In your first sentence, you mention 2 views, but only talk about one of them.
3. There is missing punctuation (commas).
4. A naturalist is a scientist that studies things in nature like plants, animals and birds. It is wrongly used in your essay.
5. There is no thesis statement. That is a very serious mistake. The lack of a thesis statement will lower your score a lot.

~~Firstly~~, First, do artists really need financial support from the state to accomplish their art projects? In my opinion, they definitely require help from possibility supporters and institution for the artistic projects. In (missing word) UK, there are a ton of publicized works in spaces like street or square in (missing word) city center. There are several sculptural statues are along the street in Liverpool and these statues has been redeveloped recently and as a result, it costs thousands of dollar (missing word) each statue. So that is the reason people believe (missing word) government should give them financial aid to continue their projects because without their funding, our cities would be less interesting and also lack of attractive.

The second paragraph uses informal (not academic) language (a ton of) and has many missing articles or prepositions. There are also plural/singular errors, incorrect forms (possibility, are), and expressions (sculptural statue. A statue is one type of sculpture. )

On the other hand, government have more important concerns (missing word) need to be solve as soon as possible than the payment for creative naturalists. Over population and global warming for instant. If they focus on the art projects, some detrimental things (missing word) going to happen in the long run and the money need to pay for creative artist is not a small number. And instead of paying for artists, it is more helpful if they pay that aid for schooling and support some poor families. That is why other people believe that alternative sources should give financial support for artists rather than (missing word) government.

The third paragraph has an incorrect transition. Once you pick a transition word or phrase, you have to stick with the pattern. These are typical transition words/phrases

On the one hand / on the other hand (Two opposing views)
First, second, third, fourth (a series of different points in your argument)
Transitional words and phrases: however, in contrast, moreover, nevertheless, In spite of.... See http://web.mit.edu/course/21/21.guide/tran-cwp.htm

There are incorrect verb phrases, missing words, and incorrect forms - see the highlighted text.

There is one fragment (not a sentence) with misspelled or wrong words (overpopulation, instance).

It does not make sense to redevelop a statue. Statues can be replaced, but not redeveloped.

In conclusion, (missing word) believe that it can be both good if one of two support institutions cited above give aid for creative naturalists.

The last paragraph is too short. The first sentence lacks a subject. The conclusion does not match your body paragraphs. There are no institutions mentioned in your essay other than the government. What are the two institutions "cited above"?

IELTS Writing Academic Task 2

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions