IELTS Task2. Can you please review my essay

Question

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social, and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

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Nowadays, children are pressurized and facing problems in many social, academic, and global aspects. This essay narrates the causes of these pressures and suggests some solutions to alleviate the problem.

There are many reasons for the social pressure on children. Parents want their children to be the best in all topics. They send them to the best schools. Even after school, they have private classes. schools are overloading children with exams and Homeworks, and with all these together, children don't have time to bloom their hidden talents.

Instead of academic pressure, children of today, socially and commercially are under pressure. They want to adopt with up-to-date fashion while their parents force them to follow their traditions and this contradiction may cause a battle between them. Today, children spend much more time with their friends than before. So their peers have a huge influence on the way they think, dress, and live. Good peers are good in many aspects, while bad peers can affect our children's lives negatively. In addition, the consumerist society of today may cause lots of stress, As an example, when children compare their cell phones, clothes, or any other kinds of stuff with their friends, they want to buy it but when they find it unaffordable, they get stressed.

The solutions are not so easy, but there are some simple things to consider. Parents have to give time to their children to evolve their talent. They have to stop comparing their kids to others. As a result, this will eliminate a huge amount of anxiety. Since children spend a lot of hours at school, the biggest onus is on school and teachers. They have to teach children an effective way of competing and how to react after they win or lose.

To conclude, it is obvious that children of today are under lots of pressure. parents, schools, and teachers are responsible to reduce the amount of anxiety and stress. Otherwise, children will not be able to progress, both socially and academically.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Negar NedaNowadays, children are pressurized and facing problems in many social, academic, and global aspects.

That is almost a copy of the essay topic. It is not a very natural English sentence. There is nothing about "global" in the topic.

Can you rephrase it in your own words?

Negar NedaThis essay narrates the causes of these pressures and suggests some solutions to alleviate the problem.

It is a poor style to announce what you will say in your essay. This is the "lazy student's" sentence because it says nothing about the topic. "Narrates" is not an appropriate verb.

It is vastly better to write a thesis statement.

Here is an example opening paragraph:

Children used to be carefree; they played outside, had fun and went to school. But these days, that is not the case. Parents expect them to academically be in the top tier of their class. Bullying is another symptom of the problem of social pressures on them, and they are constantly bombarded with advertisements that entice them to buy and consume. These modern pressures can have negative effects on the families and society at large, but they can be addressed and even avoided by sensitive parents and concerned teachers.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Your essay is over 330 words. The minimum is 250. You will not be penalized for a long essay, but a shorter one usually scores higher. You can pay more attention to the essay's organization, grammar, vocabulary, and use your most effective arguments.

IELTS essays usually have the instruction: Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowl

IELTS essays usually have the instruction: Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

To do this, spend the first 10 minutes planning your essay. You did not include a specific example, from your own personal experience. It would be easy to change one of your arguments to something from your own life.

The errors are highlighted in yellow.

There are many reasons for the social pressure on children. Parents want their children to be the best ~~in all topics~~. They send them to the best schools. Even after school, they have private classes. schools are overloading children with exams and Homeworks, and with all these together, children don't have time to bloom their hidden talents.

Instead of academic pressure, children of today, socially and commercially are under pressure. They want to adopt with up-to-date fashion while their parents force them to follow their traditions and this contradiction may cause a battle between them. Today, children spend much more time with their friends than before. So their peers have a huge influence on the way they think, dress, and live. Good peers are good in many aspects, while bad peers can affect our children's lives negatively. In addition, the consumerist society of today may cause lots of stress, As an example, when children compare their cell phones, clothes, or any other kinds of stuff with their friends, they want to buy it but when they find it unaffordable, they get stressed.

The solutions are not so easy, but there are some simple things to consider. Parents have to give time to their children to evolve their talent. They have to stop comparing their kids to others. As a result, this will eliminate a huge amount of anxiety. Since children spend a lot of hours at school, the ~~biggest~~ onus is on school and teachers. They have to teach children an effective way of competing and how to react after they win or lose.

To conclude, it is obvious that children of today are under lots of pressure. parents, schools, and teachers are responsible to reduce the amount of anxiety and stress. Otherwise, children will not be able to progress, both socially and academically.

IELTS Task2. Can you please review my essay

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