Ielts task 2: please check my essay

Question

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

ANS:

It is argued that business approached to earn money and create profits. Whereas, corporations have to concerne about social responsibilities. In my viewpoint, I completely agree with this view. Therefore, some reason for my inclinations are articulated in trailed paragraphs.

To commence with, company have to earn money and profits to survival in competitive market. It is undeniable that the priority of each company must focus on running cost, advertised fees or employees wages. Besides of the cost, a business also need to invest in improvements and innovations. If a company unable to pay its bill or met the needs of customer, the responsibilities of that company with society is irrelevant and not make sense.

In addition, they should not solely aimed to maximize profits, focus on social obligation can help to improve company's reputations. A fundamentally approached to society that a corporate need to do first is treat their employees well, rather than exploiting them. It also a good ideas which is a business can spend a proportion of profits in society contributions because it can help to improve company's value and reputation. For example, Sen Vang Entertaiment which is the beauty pagent company have many prizes in their career, and they also create social value through the volunteer campaign during the Covid-19 pandemic. Consequently, these intensive in society can measures whether a company is developing well at managing and contributing to society in each aspect.

To conclusion, while successful and profitable businesses are important for boosting their revenue through making additional profits, social and environmental issues also need to be addressed in their core plans.

Word count: 268

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Dear hieuminhd09;

I have given you a lot of feedback on your essays. However, you did not acknowledge any of my comments. Maybe you did not appreciate my time and efforts to help you.

Did you learn anything?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

hieuminhd09It is argued that business approached to earn money and create profits.

That is not good English. The verb "approach" makes no sense here. The tense is wrong.

You need to study the verb "approach" to use it correctly.

It is argued that the only goal / objective / purpose of a business should be to earn money and create profits.

hieuminhd09~~Whereas~~, corporations have to concerne about social responsibilities.

This is not a sentence. It is a fragment. Delete the subordinating conjunction "whereas".

The verb "concern" is not used correctly.

e.g. My brother is very sick. I am worried / concerned about him.

Also, you need the idea that this is a different opinion.

It is argued that the only purpose of a business should be to earn money and create profits. However, others believe that a business is a part of the community and must be concerned about its social responsibilities.

hieuminhd09 ~~In my viewpoint,~~ I completely agree with this view.

The verb "agree" expresses a point of view. The first phrase is totally useless and redundant.

It is argued that the only purpose of a business should be to earn money and create profits. However, others believe that a business is a part of the community and must be concerned about its social responsibilities. I completely agree with them.

You can keep that short sentence, or combine your "complete agreement" in the second sentence.

It is argued that the only purpose of a business should be to earn money and create profits. However,  I completely side  / agree  with others who believe that a business is a part of a community and must be concerned about its social responsibilities.

hieuminhd09Therefore, some reason (wrong form) for my inclinations (wrong word) are articulated in the trailed (wrong form, wrong word) paragraphs.

You have more than one reason, so you have to use the plural form.
Inclination is not natural here. An inclination is a very slight agreement, with a lot of disagreement included.
"Articulated" is unnatural.
You missed the definite article.
Trailed is incorrect. The correct form is "trailing". However, that is only used for a very very very long essay of many pages. The possible words are following, next, or subsequent, in that order.
The entire sentence refers to the next paragraphs. Do not write about your essay, you writing, or your paragraphs. Delete this entire sentence. Do not write sentences like this.

Here is the corrected opening paragraph:

It is argued that the only purpose of a business should be to earn money and create profits. However,  I completely side  with others who believe that a business is a part of a community and thus, must be concerned about its social responsibilities.

The body paragraph begins with the word "first". It begins your arguments for your opinion.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

hieuminhd09To commence with, company have to earn money and profits to survival in competitive market. It is undeniable that the priority of each company must focus on running cost, advertised fees or employees wages. Besides of the cost, a business also need to invest in improvements and innovations. If a company unable to pay its bill or met the needs of customer, the responsibilities of that company with society is irrelevant and not make sense.

You need to focus on "social responsibilities" and not one whole paragraph on "profits." Most of your writing is off-topic.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

To commence with, company have to earn money and profits to survival in competitive market. It is undeniable that the priority of each company must focus on running cost, advertised fees or employees wages. Besides of the cost, a business also need to invest in improvements and innovations. If a company unable to pay its bill or met the needs of customer, the responsibilities of that company with society is irrelevant and not make sense.

You have to write about social responsibilities in every body paragraph. That is the task.

The yellow highlighted text above has mistakes.

"To commence with" is very stilted and old fashioned. I don't like it.

Here is an example first body paragraph.

First, companies do have to be profitable in order to survive in the competitive marketplace. However, once a company is established and successful, it must devote some of its attention to social issues. There is great intangible benefit to this, as people prefer to buy products from a company with a good reputation for treating its people well and contributing to the community, even if they have to pay a little extra. For example, Apple pays its employees more than its competitors and provides good working conditions and benefits. They have paid maternity leave and generous sick leave. These benefits result in a happy and enthusiastic workforce which translates to more productivity, higher efficiency and overall lower costs.

In addition, they should not solely aimed to maximize profits, (comma splice error) focus on social obligation can help to improve the company's reputations. (wrong form) A fundamentally approached (wrong word) to society that a corporate need to do first is treat their employees well, rather than exploiting them. It also (ungrammatical. Missing verb.) a good ideas (wrong form) which is a business can spend a proportion of profits on local charities, such as the arts, food for poor people or assistance for the elderly. ~~in society contributions because it can help to improve company's value and reputation.~~ (repetitive. Do not repeat the same words.) For example, Sen Vang Entertaiment ~~which is the~~ . a beauty pagent company, have many prizes (Isn't that just part of the business?) in their career, (wrong word. A career is for an individual person.) and they also create social value through the volunteer campaign (What exactly did they do?) during the Covid-19 pandemic. Consequently, these intensive (wrong word - intensive is an adjective. It makes no sense here) in society can measures (wrong form) whether a company is ~~developing well at managing and~~ contributing to society in each aspect.

Ielts task 2: please check my essay

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