IELTS Task 2 - Feedback requested

(If I could also get a feedback on the expected band score, it will be very useful for me)

Topic

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work?

Children taking up paid jobs is considered by some people as being useful for the child, whereas others consider it as being detrimental to them. While it helps kids develop responsibility at an early age, along with helping them be self-sufficient, it also faces criticism because they may ignore formal education which may have an impact on their professional growth at work.

Taking up a paid job early in life has many advantages, such as building responsibility and being able to take care of your own needs. Young people begin to respect time and learn to adhere to timelines and schedules set by their employers. Over time, they also tend to interact with and respect colleagues at the workplace, thereby learning social and workplace etiquette, which may prove to be a valuable asset to them later on in their lives. Since they would be earning, they would also learn to manage their finances and strive to live within their means, which is a skill not many people pick up, especially in today's consumer driven world.

On the other hand, kids who begin working while they are studying may reduce their study time and may even discontinue their education, which could possibly have a bearing on their growth in the workplace. Dropping out of school for money may seem like a great idea at the time, but may limit the growth of a person in a workplace, as more qualified people move higher up the hierarchy when compared to less qualified people. Children, vulnerable as they are, may not fully appreciate this and may regret it at a later point in time in their careers, when it could be too late to take corrective measures.

To conclude, children taking up paid jobs does have its own advantages such as making them more responsible and self-sufficient, but may also lead to them dropping out of school, thereby stunting their workplace growth due to their lack of qualifications. It would certainly help if youngsters are guided by experienced professionals early on, so the chances of them taking a rash decision is less likely.