IELTS task 1 - line graph

Question

Hi,Please help me by reviewing the following essay.Thank you a lot!The line graph compares the number of foreign students who came from India, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore resided in Australia from 1982 to 2000.Overall, residence of visitor arrivals for education of four countries increased significantly during this period.  At first, Singapore had the largest number of residents  in Australia; however, at the end of the period number of Indian students was the biggest.In 1982, there was 200 Singaporean students resided in Australia, while India, Hong Kong and Malaysia had no students. Over the following 8 years, number of Singaporean students increased the most dramatically and reached peak at 3000 in 1992. Meanwhile, the figures for India, Hong Kong and Malaysia rose slightly to about 1500, 1400, 1900 students respectively.Between 1992 and 2000, Indian students climbed dramatically to approximately 5500. Besides, there was a slight increase in number of students from Hong Kong and Malaysia to about 2700 and 2000 students respectively. In contrast, number of Singaporean students dropped rapidly to 1000.

Nct · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry, I forgot attaching the image.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph compares the numbers of foreign students who came from India, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore resided in Australia from 1982 to 2000. (improper sentence structure).

Model paragraph:

The line graph compares the numbers of people who came into Australia from India, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore in order to study in Australian schools between 1982 and 2000.

Overall, residence of visitor arrivals for education of four countries increased significantly during this period. (wrong sentence.

The residence did not increase! Your residence is the place you live, such as a house or apartment. What increased? Also, by how much? "Significant" is not a precise amount. Be precise and mathematical. For example:

In 1982, a total of about 200 arrived from all four countries, but in 2000, there were 11,500 arrivals, an increase of more than a factor of 5. Also the distribution of nationalities changed. All the arrivals were from Singapore in 1982, but Singaporeans accounted for only 10% in 2000 when more than half of the arrivals were from India.)

At first, Singapore had the largest number of ~~residents~~ students in Australia; (Incorrect. It is not the total number of students in the country; it is how many arrived that year); however, at the end of the period number of Indian students was the biggest.

In 1982, there was (wrong form) 200 Singaporean students resided (wrong form) in Australia, while India, Hong Kong and Malaysia had no students. (Incorrect..) Over the following 8 years, (missing word) number of Singaporean students increased the most dramatically (How much is "dramatically"?) and reached (missing word) peak at 3000 in 1992. Meanwhile, the numbers ~~figures~~ for India, Hong Kong and Malaysia rose slightly to about 1500, 1400, (missing word) 1900 students respectively.

Between 1992 and 2000, Indian students climbed (??) dramatically to approximately 5500. Besides, there was a slight increase in (missing word) number of students from Hong Kong and Malaysia to about 2700 and 2000 students respectively. In contrast, (missing word) number of Singaporean students dropped rapidly to 1000.

IELTS task 1 - line graph

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