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Can someone give me feedback again, and what band am I aiming, please?

The map illustrates the changes in the village of Stokefoard from the years 1930 and 2010.

Overall, new houses have expanded along the road of Stokefoard, removing all the land and moving the cows from the farmland, as well the gardens from the village were removed and a retirement home was built.

In the year 1930; there were 2 shops nearby the Post office, this, however, was replaced by a few houses. Whereas the farmland has completely changed and new residences were built, surrounding the outside area of the old farmland in the village of Stokeford. Furthermore developing was made at the primary school in the village, which was expanded widely. Other houses were built after making separate roads that came from the main road of the village. The new Retirement Home of Stokefoard was built, where previous areas of the gardens that existed in 1930 were removed and developed a few more houses maintaining the old construction in his place.

After a period of 70 years, the river of Stoke Village was kept in his place with his respective bridge and also with the Post office kept on his original place.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

robin28Can someone give me feedback again

I certainly recommend that you rewrite your previous essay and fix the problems that were noted.

https://www.EnglishForward.com/English/IeltsFeedback/bmqqch/post.htm

We learn best and fastest from our own mistakes, so correcting your own mistakes on an essay is many times more effective for learning than submitting a different essay.

robin28 what band am I aiming, please?

What band are you trying to achieve?

I have marked some of the mistakes. Please do not try to write long sentences. Write short, correct sentences first. Later on, as you develop your writing skills, you can write longer sentences.

The map illustrates the changes in the village of Stokefoard (spelling) from (wrong word) the years 1930 and 2010.

Overall, new houses have expanded (expand means to get bigger. The houses did not get bigger. They seem to be the same size. ) along the road of Stokefoard, removing all the land (Incorrect usage. Usually land is not removed unless we dig a big hole for a lake.) and moving the cows from the farmland, (incorrect usage) (end this sentence here and begin a new one. Your sentence is too long. It is not grammatical.) as well the gardens from the village were removed and a retirement home was built.

In the year 1930; (incorrect punctuation) there were 2 shops nearby the Post office, (comma splice error) this, however, was replaced by a few houses. Whereas the farmland has completely changed and new residences were built, surrounding the outside area of the old farmland in the village of Stokeford. (Dependent clause, not a complete sentence.) Furthermore developing (wrong word) was made at the primary school in the village, which was expanded widely. (wrong word. use "greatly") Other houses were built after making separate roads that came from the main road of the village. The new Retirement Home of Stokefoard was built, where previous garden areas ~~of the gardens~~ that existed in 1930 were removed and developed a few more houses maintaining the old construction in his (wrong pronoun) place.

After a period of 70 years, the river of Stoke Village was kept in his place with his respective bridge and also with the Post office kept on his original place.

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