IELTS ESSAY MARKING

Can somebody judge and mark my essay please? I'm taking the IELTS test in 1 month and I'm practising writting, but I have no one to mark it.
Topic: People should follow the customs and traditions when people start to live in a new country. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

Many people argue that foreigners should acclimatize to the local customs and traditions when settling in a new country. I completely agree with this opinion.

There are several problems if local regulations are not followed. First, foreigners are likely to suffer from such difficulties when they commence a business without paying enough attention to the local laws. In order to be successful, foreigners are also required to understand the local business customs. Moreover, such actions are considered inapproriate, or even illegal in such countries. For example, if you throw garbage on the street in Singapore, you will be charged by the government.

On the other hand, if one can well adapt to the local social norms and culture, there are great benefits to reap. First, effort to abide by the local laws means paying respect to the local people as well as the country he or she lives in. This can help the newcomers intergrate into the society much more easily, reducing the cultural gap. In addition, foreigners can also enrich their social lives with profound knowledge and comprehension about the local area in the process of trying to fit in.
By understanding the local customs and culture, they are enabled to participate in such social activities, namely local festival, parties or charitable projects.

In conclusion, though intergration into new society by adhering to its customs and traditions seems complicated and taxing, it will be very rewarding to the newcomers once accomplished.