IELTS Academic, writting task I

Question

Hi! Can you kindly check my writting Task 1 for IELTS. Thanks a lot in a advance. The two pie charts show us the changing of the citizen’s expenses for 60 years -  from 1950 to 2010. There are 6 different categories of the costs: housing, food, health care, education, transportation and other. The data is presented as a percentage.In 1950 the main expenditure was housing, it took more than 72%. But this category dramatically drops for almost 50% to the end of 2010. On the other hand, the costs for food significantly grew from 11,2% to 34%. The similar dynamic is indicated for transportation and other. The number of transport’s expenses initially was only 3,3% in 1950, then figures increased for more than 10%. The category other is also raised from 4,4% to 19,2%.Overall, it can be said that housing and food are two the highest categories of expenses in a country. The grew is also shown in transportation and other. As for the rest presented parts of expenditure, they slightly changed throughout the period under review.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Кристина Маслова · Answer

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The two pie charts show us the changing of the citizen’s expenses for 60 years - from 1950 to 2010. (That is not a good description. "From... to implies continuous data. Also, what exactly is plotted? The changes are not - you have to compute the changes by subtraction.)) There are 6 six different categories of the costs: housing, food, health care, education, transportation and other. ~~The data is presented as a percentage~~. (Pie charts are always proportions. It is the fundamental format of this type of chart.)

Suggested opening:

The two pie charts, 1950 and 2010, show the average family budget allocations among six categories: housing, food, health care, education, transportation and other.

The overall paragraph follows the opening. This is the standard format of university-level articles. It also provides better cohesion and coherence for the essay.

Overall, ~~it can be said that~~ (extraneous verbiage) housing and food are two the highest categories of expenses ~~in a country.~~ The grew (grew is the past tense of the verb grow) is also shown in transportation and other. As for the rest ~~presented parts of expenditure~~, (unnatural) they slightly changed throughout (How do you know this? You have no information on the years between these two dates.) ~~the period under review~~. (unnecessary.)

Example "overall":

Overall housing and food were the areas where there was the greatest spending. However, in 1950, people spent much more on accommodation than food, and the opposite was true in 2010. The drop in housing costs was offset by increases in all other categories.

In 1950 the main expenditure was housing, (comma splice error) it took more than 72%. But this ~~category dramatically~~ dropped by ~~for~~ almost 50% compared to ~~to the end of~~ 2010. On the other hand, the amount allocated to ~~costs for~~ food significantly grew from 11,2% to 34%. ~~The similar dynamic is indicated~~ A similar pattern is shown for transportation and other. The number (wrong word) of transport’s (wrong expression. We do not use possessive for categories.) expenses initially was only 3,3% in 1950, (comma splice error) then figures increased ~~for~~ more than 10%. The category other ~~is also raised~~ also rose from 4,4% to 19,2%.

Overall, it can be said that housing and food are two the highest categories of expenses in a country. The grew is also shown in transportation and other. As for the rest presented parts of expenditure, they slightly changed throughout the period under review.

To get the best marks for Task 1, you need to combine categories into logical, higher groupings..

IELTS Academic, writting task I

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