IELTS Academic Writing Task 2

This is my completed academic writing task 2. Please point out my mistakes and give me a band score for each criterion if possible.

Here are some of my additional questions: Will I lose marks without mentioning examples? And also, I was wondering whether I have to state my opinion along with ideas in both the introduction and conclusion paragraphs or not. Because that is what I was taught to do in my opinion essay and I've just approached the discussion-opinion essay. Thanks in advance.

Topic: In some countries, some high school leavers are choosing to work or travel for a period
of time before going to university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of those school
leavers’ decision. Give your own opinion.

After graduating from high school, some students tend to get a job or go on a trip for some time before university life. While there are benefits and drawbacks of this decision, I would argue that it is better to take a gap year to work or travel.

The option to take a year off straight after school is disadvantageous to some extent. The main shortcoming is that a number of students will start their professional careers later than their fellows who do not get a job or travel. These students, therefore, may have fewer chances to get a promotion. In addition, taking time off to travel costs not only a lot of money. If they travel right after school, they will earn no money and have to ask their parents for their expenses. It is not advisable that people should take this option.

On the other hand, it seems to me that students, after graduating from high school, should work or travel for a period of time because of some undeniable advantages. Firstly, by working and visiting different places, they will have good chances to gain some valuable experience, which may later help them solve many practical problems. Secondly, these students are able to clarify their real passion to follow in their studies and careers and thus develop a sense of enthusiasm and perseverance themselves.

In conclusion, I believe there are various advantages for young graduates from high school who start working or traveling prior to beginning their university studies, despite the fact this decision has some notable disadvantages.