IELTS Academic Writing Task 2

Hello all,

Here is my first attempt for an IELTS Writing Task 2 on a topic discussed in the following.

Below are some factors examiners of IELTS will assess the writing task 2 and I don't whether or not you are completely familiar with them:

1. Task Achievement (25%)
2. Coherence and Cohesion (25%)
3. Lexical Resource (25%)
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (25%)

Will you pretend to be an IELTS examiner and point out the advantages and disadvantages of this writing please? Please give me a score from 1 to 9. Pieces of advice are also warmly welcomed.

Topic:

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerable.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Write at least 250 words.

My answer:

A number of people state that the retire age of individuals must be increased greatly as a normal consequence of rise in the life length.

Those who are against fixed age limit for people working in the society argue that while the life has augmented we ought to follow that pattern for our regulations in work period and a time for retiring. If employees take advantages of longer lives, they can, undoubtedly, have more benefits for the community and a large time space between their withdrawal from the workplace and the time they are no longer effective, shall be utilised be elevating the retire age.

On the other hand many contradict that opinion and consider that a misuse of workers undergoing a lifetime of toil in offering different services for other people during work time. One good looking man in a healthy and robust situation of body was shown on TV stating he has worked for thirty years from the time he was a teenager and it is time to enjoy the rest of life conveniently. He said, he has produced good products for a fair amount of time and that is sufficient for a given person.

In conclusion, I believe both ideas are reasonable and worth taking into consideration to gain a final point to make a decision in this regard. people are practically usefol when they are young and feel courage to carry on their work. Boredom and disillusionment could be an outcome of overly use in a company, for instance. It is worth to say that, when people reach their retire time and still wish to continue they are allowed owing to that fact interest is the most important factor for activities.

If I devoted more than 40 minutes to the task I think I'd do it better. I myself personally suppose I get 6.5 or 7 for that task.