IELTS Academic essay part 2, please check

Please check my essay.
My essay question is :
In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
write Advantages and disadvantages. min 250 words
Please let me know my mistakes and score band out of 9.0

Young people are often pushed by parents or elders to take a gap between their studies. Gap may be in the form of travel or work. There are various advantages and disadvantages associated with it.
Travelling to different places will make youngsters learn different culture, values and belief. This will make them to adapt good values and belief and shed light on bad ones. Adaption of better values and belief will give them power to differentiate between right and wrong behavior.

Additionally, youngsters opting to work between their studies tend to understand their responsibility and role towards society. They become a more civilized and well behaved person. Moreover, they become self sufficient by supporting part of their studies. Furthermore, working in the profession of interest will make clear career goals.

Although, a gap between studies has its advantages, we must not forget another side of a coin. Gap may result in loss of interest in studies. Working for a year, can cause young fellow to carry on working. This may be due to money received at work, which may consequently lead to lose of interest in studies. Additionally, youngster can be influenced by the place he tours, and may decide to become traveler or backpacker which may eventually lead to lose of curiosity in studies.

To conclude, advantages of a year gap between studies clearly outweigh its disadvantages. Young people should have a gap between their studies but should not get motivate enough to leave studies. Youngsters should look at both sides of coin before making decision of a gap in studies.