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Question

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, arts-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Artistic subjects and other lessons which do not require examinations are believed to be obligatory in secondary level of education, according to some educational specialists, since improved learning results can be seen . For personal opinion, I totally concur on this belief because of two reasons.

First of all, the betterment of academic transcript of a student is linked to the intervention of non-scientific subjects through the brain. Relating to practical findings, students who are given exposure to music, art and drama are able to perform twice as well as the others in class. It can be explained that the neurons are stimulated to work more efficiently with the harmonious combination of science and arts in education. Therefore, these extra-curriculum will support the overall development of brains, leading to the outstanding in-class performance of students.

The second reason is the equilibrium in the average scores of all subjects. In fact, if optional and non-exam lessons following as art, drama or drawing are made unimportant or uncompulsory, the students have the tendency to ignore it and pay more attention to other required ones namely Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry and hence, higher points can only be recorded in these subjects rather than extra activities. For this reason, an equilibrium in study is essential for comprehensive improvement in all school subjects.

In brief, my view is to make every subject in the curriculum be mandatory, especially ones relating to art. I hope that this viable method will be applied by the Minister of Education and better average scores can be seen in the transcript of each student.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

There are so many awkward and unnatural expressions in your essay that I can barely understand your argument.

I have given you some example paragraphs that you can study.

Artistic subjects and other lessons which do not require examinations are believed to be obligatory (Not a good expression. You write that they are required in all schools at the present time, and people believe this. That is not the topic. The topic is whether or not they ought to be required. ) in secondary level of education, according to some educational specialists, since improved learning results can be seen . (spacing error. Do not put a space before a punctuation mark.) For personal opinion, I totally concur on this belief ~~because of two reasons.~~

Example opening

Art, music and other subjects that do not have exams ought to be added to the high school curriculum because educators claim that it will improve overall student performance. I totally agree with this; all secondary schools should require students to take classes in drama, music or art.

First of all, the betterment of academic transcript (Not a good expression. ) of a student is linked to the intervention of non-scientific subjects through the brain. (This does not make sense.) Relating to practical findings, students who are given exposure to music, art and drama are able to perform twice as well as the others in class. It can be explained that the neurons are stimulated to work more efficiently with the harmonious combination of science and arts in education. Therefore, these extra-curriculum (wrong word) will support the overall development of brains, leading to the outstanding in-class performance of students.

Example:

First of all, the grade point average of students will go up if they can take part in an art-related subject, such as a school choir or band, school plays or drawing and painting. Students who are exposed to these kinds of classes do better than their classmates who do not. Scientists theorize that creative subjects such as the arts stimulate the brain leading to improved memory and critical thinking. These subjects also relieve stress because there is no pressure to memorize, study and perform on exams. These classes are fun and students who participate in them are generally happier with school than those who do not.

The second reason is the equilibrium in the average scores (Not a good expression. It does not make sense.) of all subjects. In fact, if optional and non-exam lessons following as (Not a good expression. ) art, drama or drawing are made unimportant or uncompulsory, the students have the tendency to ignore it and pay more attention to other required ones namely Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry and hence, higher points can only be recorded in these subjects rather than extra activities. For this reason, an equilibrium in study (this is awkward and does not make sense.) is essential for ~~comprehensive~~ improvement in all school subjects.

In brief, my view is to make every subject in the curriculum be mandatory, (That is not the topic. Do not stray off-topic) especially ones relating to art. I hope that this viable method will be applied by the Minister of Education and better average scores can be seen in the transcript of each student. (This is off-topic. The instructions did not ask you for any solution or action plan. It only asked for your opinion.)

Anonymous · Answer

Well, your essay is ok, but there are some words which are not relevant.

Brian Yang · Answer

your essay is ok, but there are irrelevant vocab.

I'd be glad if my essay is reviewed

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