I write this essay for my scholarship application to a international university in VietNam

Question

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an extended period of time and (b) something that you aspire to achieve in the future. (word limit: 400)Covid 19 pandemic seems like a long break but conversely, its essence is a challenge that has stolen human time and made people turn away from their targets, their ambitions. Thanks to my undiscouraged volition over a long period in this pandemic, I have attained a satisfactory result that I have never forgotten. On account of my inspiration to get higher rewards in geography- a subject that I had placed second in a previous competition, I continually studied more intensively and started the in-depth learning process during grade 11 summer vacation in June. The Ha Noi provincial excellent student contest literally should have been organized in the middle of September 2021, nevertheless, it was put off owing to the outbreak of Covid - 19. This, then, led to the knowledge frontier expansion, which made me for a moment demoralized by virtue of learning the heavy load of school homework, IELTS exercises in tandem with extensive geography insights. After two postponements, equivalent to half of the year, when the official exam date was announced, I devoted all of my time, my efforts to revise and make a 1-week detailed plan. The decision of not giving up from the beginning, choosing to suspend several plans to prioritize the peripheral goal, and taking efforts to study assisted me to achieve the highest title.Being a combination of artistic and logistic, I always have had a desire to bring my own characteristics to my career path. That is the reason why I am in the process of orienting myself toward being an entrepreneur with an exclusive brand in the fashionable field.  Business is a follow - up to my basic grasp of economic laws, customers’ tastes in diversified territories, strategic management,...  - a prerequisite knowledge to operate and develop a company system in the long run, it represents the calm, strict, and disciplined part inside me. After that, I would like to get exposed to fashion design because I have an endless aspiration for alternative objects and want to radically exploit my creative aptitude. There is a long journey for me to explore in the future, whether I want to make a transition or still maintain my personal goals, spirit, and identity. Looking closer to my aim, I want to be able to initially live independently and my far future target is to reach my ideal life that I always believe in.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your vocabulary usage is quite unnatural. It is difficult to understand.

Here is a rewrite of your first two sentences to be much more natural English. You need to be more specific.

Covid 19 pandemic seems like a long break but conversely, its essence is a challenge that has stolen human time and made people turn away from their targets, their ambitions.

The Covid19 pandemic seems to have lasted a very long time, and it has caused many people to be discouraged and turn away from their goals and ambitions.

Thanks to my undiscouraged volition over a long period in this pandemic, I have attained a satisfactory result that I have never forgotten.

However, I used this time to my advantage and achieved the highest prize in the national geography competition.

Pay more attention to your use of words. Use words you are comfortable with, and are confident you are using them in the right context. For example, people cannot be "logistic" they are "logical". "Knowledge frontier expansion" is very awkward and rather meaningless.

Also, never use "..." in formal writing.

Duong nguyentung · Answer

This is the third version of my essay. Hope to see your response

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an extended period of time and (b) something that you aspire to achieve in the future. (word limit: 400)

It always has opportunities for even introverts to express themselves. For me, being introverted is never a disadvantage and I am comfortable with being myself.

Although I won second prize in the geography contest, my logical thinking was still underestimated because of my quiet habit. It was consequently a motivation for me to prove that I had the potential to advance further. On account of a desire to attain a higher title in the upcoming competition, I completely attended geography study and passed the entrance exam to be one of three students representing my school in this subject to compete with other excellent pupils in Ha Noi. Unfortunately, the competition was put off for two months until the middle of September, which made me demoralized at first by virtue of doing the heavy load of school exercises in tandem with extensive geography lessons. No matter how difficult this time was, I did not want to give up and regret my shortsighted decision. As a result, I spent most of my time revising and capitalizing on possible resources to understand unclear information in the last two months. The more challenges I have experienced, the more I find the quote “ don’t talk, just act” more true that actions speak louder than words.

Studying geography for me was initially just ambition and I did not expect that this subject would stimulate my first interest in economics. But for basic knowledge in this field, I still misunderstand that building a fashion brand just needs studying clothing design, but now I know there are several factors contributing to the establishment of a company and one of them is business knowledge. Given that pursuing fashion or economics is always difficult for me to choose, I combine both of these fields and orient myself towards becoming an entrepreneur operating a fashion brand. Granted, I have accumulated a basic grasp of the market in geography, but I have not had any experience in designing clothes. Hence, after considering carefully, the program's career prospects, in addition to my foundation and suitable competencies such as observation and analytical ability, helped me to decide on a business administration program to study.

Like Vin university, I want to make myself become a talented and successful young person. My current knowledge, potential are not enough to reach my target and this opportunity will give way to making my dream come true.

Duong nguyentung · Answer

I fixed my essay one more time based on your previous comments. I highlighted my aspiration in part b so you can check whether it is clear or not. Also, I cut some information in both main paragraphs and add the introduction, conclusion. I hope they are suitable. Hope to see your response.

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an exte

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an extended period of time and (b) something that you aspire to achieve in the future. (word limit: 400)

As a student, exams, contests are indispensable things for me but not all of them gave me special memories. However, the lessons from provincial competition study experiment are ones that have affected me a lot in my thinking.

Although I won second prize in the districts’ geography contest in 2021, I was not satisfied with this result. I knew that if I applied myself and studied intently, I could do better. My ambition was to win the top prize, not just in two districts, but in the entire city. On account of this desire, I attended geography classes and passed the qualifying exam to be one of three students representing my school to compete with other excellent pupils in Ha Noi. Unfortunately, the competition was put off for three months until the middle of December 2021. It was the hardest period for me to overcome the pressure of doing multiple tasks, which led to my thought of giving up. Then I looked back to my goal and had a motivation to get through the difficulties. From this time, I postponed several targets and spent most of my time revising geography. Eventually, all my hard work paid off, and I attained the highest title as expected.

Studying geography for me was initially just ambition and I did not expect that this subject would stimulate my first interest in economics. Thanks to basic knowledge in this field, I knew that there are several factors contributing to the establishment of a company and one of them is business knowledge. Given that pursuing fashion or economics is always difficult for me to choose as both of them define who I am. That is why I want to occupy a chief executive officer at fashion companies. Granted, I have accumulated a basic grasp of market in geography and plan-making from being head of public relations in my school club, but I have not had any experience in designing clothes. Hence, the program's career prospects, in addition to my foundation and suitable competencies like observation and analytical ability, helped me to decide on a business administration program to study.

The more challenges I have experienced, the more I find the quote “Nothing will work unless you do” (Maya Angelou) true. It must be so hard to accomplish my dream without obstacles, but I want to pursue my passion and live up to any chances I received.

Duong nguyentung · Answer

This time I changed the way to start both paragraphs to make the essay more specific and reduced the words to 358. However, I am still scared that it does not clearly follow the instruction. Should I fix based on the last essay or this one? Thank you.

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an extended period of time and (b) something t

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an extended period of time and (b) something that you aspire to achieve in the future. (word limit: 400)

Through the story in “Take me to church” music video, I see the characters’ courage to accept their differences and follow their heart. I realized that I had lost many opportunities because of fear of personal discrepancies and then the lyric “I was born sick but I love it” stimulated me to step out of my comfort zone. I started joining several competitions during high school, all of them were memorable but the geography provincial contest engraved most in my thinking. This competition study experiment gave me lessons about persistence and time management. The contest lasted more than half of the year including delayed time from September to December 2021. I knew it was going to be difficult, and require a substantial and focused effort over several months because other students had the same goal. And of course, I did not want to throw away my endeavors to attain the highest title. Then, I began making a schedule and separated the big goals into small parts. After 3 months, I won the top prize and achieve the IELTS target simultaneously.

Like the song characters being honest to themselves, my long-term goal is to follow my dream of occupying the chief executive officer in a company in the international fashion industry regardless of people's judgments. I have always been interested in fashion, and my study of geography has given me knowledge about international markets and economics. I also have an appreciation of communications and advertising by serving as the head of public relations. Hence, the program's career prospects, in addition to my foundation and suitable competencies like observation and analytical ability, helped me to decide on a business administration program to study. My regrets in the past motivate me to pursue my passion and take advantage of the opportunities that come my way. There is a multitude of factors to be a professional executor, so learning has no limits in school or out of school. However, the people, who utilize comprehensively the time of studying in college, will succeed earlier. Now I will never squander any opportunities to accomplish my goal and Vin University scholarship is one of them.

Duong nguyentung · Answer

Thank you for all your support. I did not change too many details compared to the last essay. You can check whether it is ok or not?

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an extended period of time and (b) something that you aspire to achieve in the future. (word limit: 400)

Although I won second prize in the districts’ geography contest in March 2021, I was not satisfied with this result. I knew that if I applied myself and studied intently, I could do better. My ambition was to win the top prize, not just in two districts, but in the entire city. I knew it was going to be difficult, and require a substantial and focused effort over several months because other students had the same goal and compete to gain these prizes. At the first step, I attended geography classes and passed the qualifying exam to be one of three students representing my school in Ha Noi. Unfortunately, the competition was put off for three months from September to December 2021. That was very disappointing, as I had many other assignments, however, I still preserved. If I had chosen to give up, all my endeavors would have been meaningless. Then, I began making a schedule and separated the big goals into small parts, postponed several targets, and focus on revising geography. Eventually, I won the top prize and achieve the IELTS target simultaneously, however, the most valid prize is lessons about persistence and time management skill.

I have been inspired by “Cat Street” manga series talking about the success of four people who used to have unhappy pasts but still follow their passions. Like these characters being honest to themselves, my long-term goal is to be the chief executive officer in a company in the international fashion industry regardless of people's judgments. I have always been interested in fashion, and my study of geography has given me knowledge about international markets and economics. I also have an appreciation of communications and advertising by serving as the head of public relations. Hence, the program's career prospects, in addition to my foundation and suitable competencies like observation and analytical ability, helped me to decide on a business administration program to study. The biggest purpose of my dream is to bring feelings of comfort and confidence to customers when they wear clothes by eliminating the distinction in ***, class, age, or body. “Nothing will work unless you do” so I will take advantage of any opportunities that come my way and Vin University is one of them, where I can gain experience, apply my knowledge in real life, and corporate with extinguished professors, students.

Duong nguyentung · Answer

This time I changed mainly in part (b) because I think in the last version, I focused too much on my ability not my aspiration. Hope to see your response.

Describe (a) something that you achieved as a result of committing yourself over an extended period of time and (b) something that you aspire to achieve in the future. (word limit: 400)

Although I won second prize in the districts’ geography contest in March 2021, I was not satisfied with this result. I knew that if I applied myself and studied intently, I could do better. My ambition was to win the top prize, not just in two districts, but in the entire city. I knew it was going to be difficult, and require a substantial and focused effort over several months because other students had the same goal and compete to gain these prizes. At the first step, I attended geography classes and passed the qualifying exam to be one of three students representing my school in Ha Noi. Unfortunately, the competition was put off for three months from September to December 2021. That was very disappointing, as I had many other assignments, however, I still preserved. If I had chosen to give up, all my endeavors would have been meaningless. Then, I began making a schedule and separated the big goals into small parts, postponed several targets, and focus on revising geography. Eventually, I won the top prize and achieved the IELTS target simultaneously, however, the most valid prize was lessons about persistence and time management skill.

I have been inspired by “Cat Street” manga series talking about the success of four people who used to have unhappy pasts but still followed their passions. Like these characters being honest to themselves, my long-term goal is to be the chief executive officer in a company in the international fashion industry. The biggest goal of my dream is to bring feelings of comfort and confidence to customers when they wear clothes that I have designed. When looking at someone, sometimes I could see the insecurity and anxiety inside them, which deterred their expressions. It made me remember my tough time overcoming the fear of expressing myself and stimulated my desire to stir up their potential. I chose clothes to be a tool to attain my target as with the right outfits, we can be ourselves. The comfort that I oriented is not shown only by the clothes but also by their prices, values, and brand, which are suitable for diversified customers. I have always been interested in fashion, and my study of geography has given me knowledge about international markets and economics. Hence, the program's career prospects helped me to decide on the business administration program.

I write this essay for my scholarship application to a international university in VietNam

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