I need your help grammar gurus.

Question

I have been told this whole letter has multiple awkward sentences but with my puny knowledge I haven't been able to figure out what exactly that is. I would genuinely appreciate any suggestions!

Hi, XXXXXX

Since I know how busy you must be, I'll try to keep this email less than 30 seconds.

First off, thank you so much for taking your time to interview me today. Although I am relieved to hear that things are not as hectic in the beginning of the year, I know that given your position how busy you must be.

There were 3 takeaways I gained from interview with you today.

First, it was great to hear your guidelines on how to exceed expectation in the short term. It was enlightening to hear your take on relationships and the value of internal network.

Secondly, time management of success people is something I am always interested in and idea of compartmentalized thinking is a completely new way of approach that I have not thought of before. The example you gave on how you would divide phone conversations really helped me get a grasp of the thought process and the logic behind it.

Lastly, your advice regarding the unbalanced ratio between input and output of the first year BTAs and how to prepare yourself emotionally for the frustration will be a great assurance knowing that everyone else goes through the same thing.

I would love to hear some feedback from you regarding our interview if that's possible.
I know I would become a great asset in the future if I knew what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong.

Thank you very much for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.

Warm Regards

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hi GG;

Welcome to English Forums.
Your letter reminds me of a quote:

I have made this [letter] longer (than usual) because I have not had time to make it shorter. ~Blaise Pascal

In business letters, being concise and succinct honors the recipient.

GramGramSince I know how busy you must be, I'll try to keep this email less than 30 seconds.

Thirty seconds to write it, or thirty seconds to read it? Try or do?

Look how many words can be removed!
Since I know how busy you are ~~must be~~, I'll ~~try to~~ keep this email brief. l~~ess than 30 seconds~~.

You can remove the entire sentence with no ill effect.

GramGramFirst off, thank you so much for taking your time to interview me today. Although I am relieved to hear that things are not as hectic in the beginning of the year, I know that given your position how busy you must be.

Repetitious. This is the second time you say "how busy..."
You don't need "first off" especially in a short note - it indicates a longer work.

Thank you so much for taking your time to interview me today. I left with these lasting impressions; that you are focused on short term results; that you value teamwork, and rely on fostering an internal network.

GramGramSecondly, time management of success people is something I am always interested in and idea of compartmentalized thinking is a completely new way of approach that I have not thought of before. The example you gave on how you would divide phone conversations really helped me get a grasp of the thought process and the logic behind it.

You are putting yourself down here, and also in your subsequent sentences.
That is not a good strategy if you wish to be offered a job.

"success people" is ungrammatical, and that is not the only problem with the sentence.

GramGram · Answer

Thank you AS,

Your correction does make it sound more professional.

AlpheccaStarsThank you so much for taking your time to interview me today. I left with these lasting impressions; that you are focused on short term results; that you value teamwork, and rely on fostering an internal network.

This sentence, I am wondering if it is better because of it's active nature.

Also I appreciate your advice on my second paragraph as well.

Thank you so much.

I need your help grammar gurus.

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions