I need your critiques for my motivational letter. Any help will be appreciated.

Dear lovely people,

For some weeks I have been struggling to compose letter of motivation for a graduate school.
This is what I just finished yesterday evening.

This letter came from my heart and personally I am quite satisfied with it, however I have doubts if it's;
- too informal for a motivational letter
- too 'easy' to read
- too personal

The problem is what I studied and my job experience doesn't really match (even if I find it useful) so I had to put some story to make the flow make sense.

Any help and critiques will be appreciated!
Thank you very much!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I, Xavariezka O, wish to apply master’s degree in Business and Administration for the academic year 2012. This program is a concrete step towards my career ambition in ___.

Ever since I was a little kid, I have always dreamt big. I was born in a small city in ABC, XYZ and to get good education was like a luxury. I still remember when I was 5 and I said I wanted to study in AAA, where one of XYZ’s top universities is located. I still remember that day when my parents gave me those English books and cassettes even when I couldn’t read yet. I dreamt that one day, I should be able to speak English fluently, and I should be able to get good education for myself. I dreamt that one day, I should go far and learn as many as I can. I never knew that these naïve dreams brought me where I am right now.

In high school I graduated with social science as my major. During my last year of school I was awarded the governor’s award for the first winner of English speech contest and for the excellent student in ABC. Besides struggling for good grades at school, I also tried to balance my life with extracurricular activities. One of my favorite activities was marching band, where I first learned about team work, discipline, and focus. After graduating, I successfully enrolled in AAA, my dream university, majoring in Product Design.

Studying in AAA with its competitive environment was not an easy thing to do, but that always made me strive for better things. What I love from Product Design is, it is not only about sketching and making products, but it is about all the chain from design process, producing, distributing, management, marketing, until recycling. From all those fields I later found what intrigued me. I found my passion, and it is marketing. Because for me, it’s not the end of the process if a product can’t attract the market. Since then I began to dig deeper about marketing and management through books, seminars, and talk shows. After four and a half years of study I successfully graduated with final project “_____________________”. Its focus was not only about product designing, but also about social impacts, such as low energy consumption, low production cost, empowering village resources, with higher economic value and mass produced opportunity. The combination of my knowledge in design and my passion in marketing gave me the best note A for my final project.

My passion in Business and Marketing led me to my first job offer as Marketing Manager for an POP company in BBB. Thanks to job training and mentoring from my bosses, I could learn business and marketing straight from the experts. My first tasks were to plan and conduct our showroom Grand Opening in BBB and to research the target market and market positioning in BBB, involving many staffs both from POP and BBB. It was hard for me at first, to lead the team where the people are way older than me, or to supervise every single details when you are appointed to work in a new city with different culture, but I always seen it as challenge. After a long and hard research and planning our team had a great success and now we already have a high recognition in the market. Having worked for several international companies also taught me so many precious things. I learned how negotiate with different people from various countries. I learned how cultural manners and customs could sometimes be significant approach in business.

Still, I personally feel that my job experience is not enough; I need to have specific orientation towards my goals. I always feel the urge to learn and I believe studying in 123 University would improve my knowledge and skills in Business and Administration, considering that I never had a formal education in business. After spending some time diving into your website and talking with some of your current students and alumni, I believe your state-of-the-art program will be a concrete step towards my goal as leader in Business field. What I am expecting from your program is not only from interaction with the professors, but also through interaction with peers and your multi-cultural environment will surely broaden my knowledge and experience.

Given my past history of passion and commitment to excellence, I am sure that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I believe with my quick ability in learning and adapting, I can succeed in any environment. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add more diversity to your program.
Thank you very much for your consideration and I am looking forward to hearing your positive reply.

Sincerely,

Xavariezka