I need toefl essay correction

hello im a girl preparing for a toefl test and having a hard time for studing it.. i do need help about correction about my essay cause i dont know if i wrote it right..

the question is
"do you agree or disagree with the following statement? being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary. use specific reaons and examples to support your answer."

These days, many people think that high-paying jobs are the most favorable ones for its beneficial aspects.
For the most part, a majority of them assume that the best deciding factor of choosing one's job is whether it is a high-paying job or not.
However, a recent study discovered that about 70% of people who only took care of this one deciding factor, had given up on their jobs after all.
This reflects the idea that money can not give these important things, such as happiness and the career fulfillment.

First of all, no one wouldn't deny that they can not buy the happiness even with the large amount of money. As it is, almost every high-paying jobs rather require workers the commitment to a job mainly for the productivity by doing uninviting tasks in hardest work environment.
this gives rise to many workers only to pursuit their salary, causes of soaring stressed-out workers.
To illustrate, my brother could reach his goal to work in a large company by building up his own career steadily.
At first time, he believed it was his great luck to work with high salary and boasted off to my family and his friends .
However, in an instant, not only his physical fitness was getting worse but also he exposed himself with bad habits to relieve his stresses.
Unfortunately, he had no choice but to move his job.

Second, working in a job that one is happy with could give career fulfillment to workers, let them feel attentive about their tasks at any given times.
As a result of having a career fulfillment in their jobs, they could also improve their job performance. The best exemple of this is my father's case.
He selected his job by ranking a good salary lower than career fulfillment.
Even though his age is at the stage of retirement, he prefers going off to his work with strong work ethic to relaxing at home.

For these reasons, I strongly agree that being happy with a job should come before the benefits of a high salary, since people who find pleasure in their work are happier and have career fulfillment what will make them feel that working is noteworthy. However, unlike the ones who finally seek out jobs they would like, popular sentiment is still in favor of high paying jobs.
By regarding jobs what can make the ones happy as a high priority, people could have more opportunities to choose a right decision.

thank you..i do need help with correction..