I need to check it, Please help me ! (This is the essay of the IELTS Writing - Task 1)

Question

The diagrams show the different area of West Park Secondary School and neighborhood that include: Main road, School, Houses, Farmland, Playground, Science block, Car park and Sports field. Additionally, the pictures also show the changes in this area in the different three years: 1950, 1980, 2010.

In 1950, the behind of the Main school is a Playground, the west of the school is Houses, the southwestern corner of it is a Farmland. In 1980, the houses were replaced by Science block and Car park. While, the Farmland was replaced by a Sport field, the Main school and Playground had not the changes. In 2010, the Car park was expanded to the area of the Sport field, while one part of the Playground area was a new Sports field, the Science block was not changed.

There was not change of the Main school in the different three years. While the Farmland was removed and the Sports field and Playground were shrinking, the Car park was expanded as time goes by.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

The diagrams show the different area (not a good phrase) of West Park Secondary School and neighborhood that include: Main road, School, Houses, Farmland, Playground, Science block, Car park and Sports field. Additionally, the pictures (You wrote "diagram" first. Don't give two different words for the same figure. ) also show the changes in this area in the different three years: (wrong expression) 1950, 1980, 2010.

Model paragraph:

1.

The three maps (1950, 1980 and 2010) depict the changes that were made to West Park Secondary school and its immediate surroundings.

2.

The three schematics (1950, 1980 and 2010) illustrate West Park Secondary school and its immediate surroundings, depicting new construction and expansion of the school facilities.

In 1950, the behind ("The" makes the word "behind" a noun. The behind is an informal term for the buttocks. It is not correct here.) of the Main school is a Playground, the west ("The west"is not a good phrase) of the school is (wrong form) Houses, (wrong capitalization) the southwestern corner of it (unnatural) is a Farmland. (wrong capitalization) In 1980, the houses were replaced by a Science block and Car (wrong capitalization) park. While, (wrong punctuation) the Farmland (wrong capitalization) was replaced by a Sport field, (wrong capitalization) the Main school and Playground had not (ungrammatical) the changes. In 2010, the Car park was expanded to the area of the Sport field, while one part of the Playground area was a new Sports field, (comma splice error - ungrammatical sentence) the Science block was not changed.

Model Paragraph 2:

In 1950, there was a housing area to the west of the school along the main road. Behind the houses lay farmland. Behind the school was a playground. Between 1950 and 1980, the housing area was added to the school property, and it was used for a car park and the construction of a second school building, a science block. The science block was large, about half the size of the main school. Besides the housing area, the farmland was also added to the school property; it became a sports field. There were no changes to the playground or main school building.

There was not (wrong word) change of the Main school in the different three years. (wrong expression) While the Farmland was removed (wrong word. Land cannot be removed - taken away.) and the Sports field and Playground were shrinking, (wrong word) the Car park was expanded ~~as time goes by~~.

I need to check it, Please help me ! (This is the essay of the IELTS Writing - Task 1)

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