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Anita_a Posted 21 years ago
I need help with this poem
These are four drafts of my poem. Please help me improvise, or rather, let me know which is better...
1)
The continuous creaking sound
Of the crickets
In the tree next to my window
Was ringing in my ears,
Long after I shut the window down,
Disturbing my peace of mind.
The sweet chirping sound
Of the sparrows
In the tree next to my window
Was a melodious wake-up call
Forcing me out of my bed
To have a look at the beautiful world.
2)
Creaking sound of crickets
In the oak tree
Next to my window
Ringing in the ears
Long after the window is shut away
From the redundant disturbance.
Melodious chirping of sparrows
In the mango tree
Next to my window
Rings in a new day
Forcing the doors open
To a beautiful world.
3)
Disturbing cricket sounds
Takes away the peace of mind
In the wee hours of the night.
Melodious chirping of sparrows
Brings in a new hope
In the first light of a beautiful world.
4)
Crickets
Creaking sound
Late night
Very disturbing.
Sparrows
Melodious sound
Early dawn
Beautiful world.
1)
The continuous creaking sound
Of the crickets
In the tree next to my window
Was ringing in my ears,
Long after I shut the window down,
Disturbing my peace of mind.
The sweet chirping sound
Of the sparrows
In the tree next to my window
Was a melodious wake-up call
Forcing me out of my bed
To have a look at the beautiful world.
2)
Creaking sound of crickets
In the oak tree
Next to my window
Ringing in the ears
Long after the window is shut away
From the redundant disturbance.
Melodious chirping of sparrows
In the mango tree
Next to my window
Rings in a new day
Forcing the doors open
To a beautiful world.
3)
Disturbing cricket sounds
Takes away the peace of mind
In the wee hours of the night.
Melodious chirping of sparrows
Brings in a new hope
In the first light of a beautiful world.
4)
Crickets
Creaking sound
Late night
Very disturbing.
Sparrows
Melodious sound
Early dawn
Beautiful world.
Top answer
Frankly I liked the 1st version at first but then 2nd sounded nicer. First stanza was good but we can make 2nd stanza look better by changing just two words I think; Melodious chirping of sparrows In the mango tree Next to my window Rings in a new day Forcing the doors open To a high-spirited day..
- Frankly I liked the 1st version at first but then 2nd sounded nicer.
- First stanza was good but we can make 2nd stanza look better by changing just two words I think; Melodious chirping of sparrows In the mango tree Next to my window Rings in a new day Forcing the doors open To a high-spirited day..
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7 Answers
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Frankly I liked the 1st version at first but then 2nd sounded nicer. First stanza was good but we can make 2nd stanza look better by changing just two words I think;
Melodious chirping of sparrows
In the mango tree
Next to my window
Rings in a new day
Forcing the doors open
To a
Melodious chirping of sparrows
In the mango tree
Next to my window
Rings in a new day
Forcing the doors open
To a
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By the way do you mind if I ask u sth? It's a bit irrelevant but I just wondered.Have you recieved my mail? If so, is it ok if I send you interesting forwards sometimes?
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Hello Anita
Why not keep all 4 versions?
You could think of it as 'Theme & Variations'.
MrP
Why not keep all 4 versions?
You could think of it as 'Theme & Variations'.
MrP
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Thanks Mr.P. I was thinking of that too. Even then, I would appreciat if you could tell me as to which one is good. Do you think I could write it in even more ways?
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I don't see why not. Have you come across Wallace Stevens' "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird"?
Will think about it and stop by tomorrow!
MrP
Will think about it and stop by tomorrow!
MrP
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Of course, I have read that beautiful poem with a very beautiful opening and beautiful ending.
"Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only moving thing
Was the eye of the blackbird." are my favorite lines.
And also,'It was evening all afternoon'.That's a beautiful line.
And also,
"I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or th
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Hello Anita
Yes, I like those lines from Stevens too! No particular relevance, though; I was thinking of it as a 'theme and variations' poem.
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Just a few suggestions:
1)
The continuous creaking sound => The continuous creaking
Long after I shut the window down, => Long after I shut the wind
Yes, I like those lines from Stevens too! No particular relevance, though; I was thinking of it as a 'theme and variations' poem.
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Just a few suggestions:
1)
The continuous creaking sound => The continuous creaking
Long after I shut the window down, => Long after I shut the wind
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