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Leaving Peru

Most people leave their countries for many economic reasons, political problems, religious persecution or sometimes just to fulfill a personal dream in their lives. Since I was a child, I knew that someday I would leave my country. I waited almost ten years for my Green Card in order to come to United States. However, when this moment came true, I was already a young lady.
When I left Peru, I endured many hardships in my life. I felt very sad because I thought that things might never be the same for me. I remember that beautiful day when I was in the airplane coming to the United States. My family stood by big windows and watched the airplane. I saw them, my aunt cried and suddenly everyone in my family was crying. My heart was pounding as fast as I was crying. I could not believe what I was doing in that airplane. It was one of the most difficult days of my life.
I had many thoughts in my mind. All these thoughts were about my future. I thought that there would be the day when I could come back. But sadly, I left my family - cousins, uncles, aunts, and my grandma. I never would forget every Christmas when all my family was together sharing delicious food and wonderful gifts. I also left my friends, neighbors, and my best friend, who was a good listener when I had problems or doubts.
I was happy to know this country well - people, customs, places, food and the new language -. It is one of the most popular countries in the entire world its the form of government, freedom, technological advances and many opportunities for people who want be better in their lives. These are some reasons why many immigrants want to stay here, so I could not lose this important opportunity in my life.
My first day in the United States was terrible because I did not know anything about my new city. I did not have any friends. All the people seemed strange to me. I did not understand anything about the new language. I had only some knowledge about it because I never spoke English in my country. I did not know how I was going to talk to people. I tried to understand it, but I could not. I felt like an invisible person. Finally, now I have almost a year-and-a half here trying to learn more everyday so I will have a good future. Everybody says I am learning fast in a short time. This is why I am proud of myself. All I need to do is follow my dreams doing my best effort so I make do it.
All the people have one or more important incidents in their lives. Some of them are unforgettable and have a special value in us. I came to United States to start a new life with a good future. I am doing all my best effort to achieve all my goals in my life. I think we can make all our dreams come true.

Pilita...

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Leaving Peru

Most people leave their countries for economic reasons, political problems, religious persecution, or sometimes just to fulfill a personal dream in their lives. Since I was a child, I knew that someday I would leave my country. I waited almost ten years for my Green Card in order to come to United States. However, when this moment came true, I was already a young lady.

When[Before?] I left Peru, I [had] endured many hardships in my life.[1] [But now] I felt very sad because I thought that things might never be the same for me. I remember that beautiful day when I was in the airplane [leaving Peru and going] to the United States. My family stood by [the] big windows and watched the airplane. I saw them, my aunt [begn to cry,] and suddenly everyone in my family was crying. My heart was pounding as fast [and] I was crying. I could not believe what I was doing in that airplane. It was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I had many thoughts[--a]ll these thoughts were about my future. I thought that there would be [a] day when I could come back. But sadly, I left my family - cousins, uncles, aunts, and my grandma. I never would forget every Christmas when all my family was together sharing delicious food and wonderful gifts. I also left my friends, neighbors, and my best friend, who was a good listener when I had problems.

I was happy to know [my] country[--its] people, customs, places, food and new language. It is one of the most popular countries in the entire world [with] its the form of government, freedom, technological advances[,] and many opportunities for people who want [to] better their lives. These are some [of the] reasons why many immigrants want to stay here, so I could not lose this important opportunity in my life.

My first day in the United States was terrible because I did not know anything about my new city. I did not have any friends. All the people seemed strange to me. I did not understand anything about the new language. I had only some knowledge [of] it [though] I never spoke English in my country. I did not know how I was going to talk to people. I tried to understand it, but I could not. I felt like an invisible person. Finally, now I have almost a year-and-a half here trying to learn more everyday so I will have a good future. Everybody says I am learning [a lot] in [only] a short time. This is why I am proud of myself. All I need to do is follow my dreams doing [the best that I can].

All people have one or more important incidents in their lives. Some of them are unforgettable and have a special value. I came to United States to start a new life with a good future. I am doing my best to achieve all my goals in my life. I think we can make all our dreams come true.

[1] Before I left Peru, I had endured many hardships in my life.

Very well written Pilita.

I encoruage you to register with English Forums. Go to the homepage and register. Also, you should not multi-post. You should just post your message once. Your story belongs here in the writing forum and not in the Grammar section.

MountainHiker

Pilita · Answer

Thank you for your help. Here is what I got now. Tell me if something is still wrong pleaseeee..

Joannis Garcia
English 50
Professor Anguiano
Paper # 1 Final Draft
6 October 2004

Leaving Peru
Most people leave their countries for many economic reasons, political problems, religious persecution, or sometimes just to fulfill a personal dream in their lives. Since I was a child, I knew that someday I would leave my country. I waited almost ten years for my Green Card in order to come to United States. However, when this moment came true, I was already a young lady.
When I left Peru, I endured many hardships in my life. I felt very sad because I thought that things might never be the same for me. I remember that beautiful day when I was in the airplane leaving Peru and going to United States. My family stood by big windows and watched the airplane. I saw them, my aunt began to cry, and suddenly everyone in my family was crying. My heart was pounding as fast as I was crying. I could not believe what I was doing in that airplane. It was one of the most difficult days of my life.
I had many thoughts in my mind. All these thoughts were about my future. I thought that there would be a day when I could come back. But sadly, I left my family--cousins, uncles, aunts, and my grandmother. I never would forget every Christmas when all my family was together sharing delicious food and wonderful gifts. I also left my friends, neighbors, and my best friend, who was a good listener when I had problems.
I was happy to know this country well--its people, customs, places, food and the new language. It is one of the most popular countries in the entire world for its form of government, freedom, technological advances, and many opportunities for people who want to be better in their lives. These are some of the reasons why many immigrants want to stay here, so I could not lose this important opportunity in my life.
My first day in the United States was terrible because I did not know anything about my new city. I did not have any friends. All the people seemed strange to me. I did not understand anything about the new language. I had some basic knowledge about it because I never spoke English in my country. I did not know how I was going to talk to people. I tried to understand it, but I could not. I felt like an invisible person. Finally, now I have almost a year-and-a half here trying to learn more everyday so I will have a good future. Everybody says I am learning fast in a short time. This is why I am proud of myself. All I need to do is follow my dreams doing my best so I can make it.
All people have one or more important incidents in their lives. Some of them are unforgettable and have a special value. I came to United States to start a new life with a good future. I am doing my best to achieve all my goals in my life. I think I can make all my dreams come true.

Pilita

MountainHiker · Answer

Joannis Garcia
English 50
Professor Anguiano
Paper # 1 Final Draft
6 October 2004

Leaving Peru
Most people leave their countries for many economic reasons, political problems, religious persecution, or sometimes just to fulfill a personal dream in their lives. Since I was a child, I knew that someday I would leave my country.[1] I waited almost ten years for my Green Card in order to come to United States. However, when this moment came true, I was already a young lady.

When I left Peru, I endured many hardships in my life. I felt very sad because I thought that things might never be the same for me. I remember that beautiful day when I was in the airplane leaving Peru and going to United States. My family stood by big windows and watched the airplane. I saw them, my aunt began to cry, and suddenly everyone in my family was crying. My heart was pounding as fast as I was crying.[2] I could not believe what I was doing in that airplane. It was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I had many thoughts in my mind. All these thoughts were about my future.[3] I thought that there would be a day when I could come back. But sadly, I left my family--cousins, uncles, aunts, and my grandmother.[4] I never would forget every Christmas when all my family was together sharing delicious food and wonderful gifts. I also left my friends, neighbors, and my best friend, who was a good listener when I had problems.[5]

I was happy to know this country well--its people, customs, places, food and the new language.[6] It is one of the most popular countries in the entire world for its form of government, freedom, technological advances, and many opportunities for people who want to be better in their lives.[7] These are some of the reasons why many immigrants want to stay here, so I could not lose this important opportunity in my life.

My first day in the United States was terrible because I did not know anything about my new city.[8] I did not have any friends. All the people seemed strange to me.[9] I did not understand anything about the new language.[10] I had some basic knowledge about it because I never spoke English in my country.[11] I did not know how I was going to talk to people. I tried to understand it, but I could not. I felt like an invisible person. Finally, now I have almost a year-and-a half here trying to learn more everyday so I will have a good future.[12] Everybody says I am learning fast in a short time.[13] This is why I am proud of myself. All I need to do is follow my dreams doing my best so I can make it.[14]

All people have one or more important incidents in their lives.[15] Some of them are unforgettable and have a special value. I came to United States to start a new life with a good future. I am doing my best to achieve all my goals in my life. I think I can make all my dreams come true.

Pilita

Pilita,

You undid many of the changes that were suggested yesterday. Also, you should leave a space between your paragraphs so that we can read them easier.

1) Most people leave their countries for many economic reasons, political problems, religious persecution, or sometimes just to fulfill a personal dream in their lives. Since I was a child, I knew that someday I would leave my country.

I deleted the word "many" purposefully. There VARIOUS reasons, including "economic reasons, political problems, religious persecution, or sometimes just to fulfill a personal dream in their lives."

But the way you have written it now is confusing. It is many of ALL THOSE REASONS? Is it many of JUST economic reasons?

I suspect it should be:

"Most people leave their countries because of economic reasons, political problems, religious persecution, or sometimes just to fulfill a personal dream in their lives." [correct answer]

That means it might be one or more of the listed reasons.

Also, I changed "for" to "because of". "For" suggests that people are leaving to GO somewhere to GET something.

For example, compare and contrast,

1A) Many people leave their countries for political problems. [Are they seeking political problems?]
1B) Many people leave their countries for freedom and liberty. [Are they seeking freedom and liberty?]
1C) Many people leave their countries because of political problems. [Are they escaping political problems?]

2) My heart was pounding as fast as I was crying.[2]

Your heart does not pound as fast as you are crying. If you don't cry fast or slow. You just cry. I was eating as fast as I was smiling. Doesn't make sense right? Same thing.

My heart was pounding as fast AND I was crying.[2] Or, I was crying while my heart was pounding fast.

3) All these thoughts were about my future.

You could rewrite that as, All these thoughts concerned my future. Your original sentence is okay.

4) But sadly, I left my family--cousins, uncles, aunts, and my grandmother. No parents?

5) I also left my friends, neighbors, and my best friend, who was a good listener when I had problems.[5]

I also left my friends, neighbors, and my best friend, who was a good listener when I had a problem.[5] It just sounds better. I don't know why.

6) I was happy to know this country well--its people, customs, places, food and the new language.

"I am happy to know this country well--its people, customs, places, food and its language."

You are STILL happy and English is not a new langauge for the country, but it is the language spoken by the people. It your new language, but it is the country's language. I don't know if we say "the country's language". It sounds a bit odd to me. But I understand you. So I am not sure.

7) It is one of the most popular countries in the entire world for its form of government, freedom, technological advances, and many opportunities for people who want to be better in their lives.

It is one of the most popular countries in the entire world because of its form of government, freedom, technological advances, and many opportunities for people who want better their lives.

I am not sure, but "because of" sounds better to me than "for". "For" can mean "because", but not "because of".

He won the championship fight, for he was a stronger fighter.
He won the championship fight, because he was a stronger fighter.

Use this, "many opportunities for people who want better their lives" or use this, "many opportunities for people who want better be better."

Your original phrase is wordy.

8) My first day in the United States was terrible because I did not know anything about my new city.

My first day in the United States was terrible because I did not know anything about my new country.

You say your first day in the US was terrible....so it should be because you didn't know anything about the US. Or your first day in you new city was terrible because you didn' know anything about your new city. You need to try to keep the symmetry.

9) All the people seemed strange to me.

Everyone seemed strange to me.

10) I did not understand anything about the new language.

You used "new language" once already and it is a strange expression to our ears.

I did not understand anything about English. [We understand that it is foreign langauge to you.]

11) I had some basic knowledge about it because I never spoke English in my country.

I would just delete that sentence. If you did not undertand ANYTHING about it, then you have NO BASIC knowledge of it.

You could rewrite [10] and delete [11] to be, "Because I was not exposed to English when I was in Peru, I did not understand any English in my new city."

12) Finally, now I have almost a year-and-a half here trying to learn more everyday so I will have a good future.

The above sentence is awkward.

I have been here almost a year-and-a-half. [complete sentence]
trying to learn more every day [participial phrase]
I will have a good future. [complete sentence]

They are all mixed together above.

Finally, I have been here almost a year-and-a-half, and I am trying to learn more everyday in order to have a good future.

The new setence is a bit simpler. There are two complete sentences joined with a conjuction. The second main clause has an adverbial clause, "in order to have a good future."

13) Everybody says I am learning fast in a short time. [doesn't make sense.]

Use:
Everybody say you are a learning a lot in a short time. [Thus, you are fast.]

Or:
Everybody say I am learning fast. [doesn't make any difference whether or not it is a long or short time. You are learning fast.]

14) All I need to do is follow my dreams doing my best so I can make it.

"doing my best" is awkward in your original sentence.

All I need to do is follow my dreams while doing my best so that I can make it.
"so that I can make it" does not add anything. If you do your best, then the best outcome will occur.

If would rewrite this as:

All I need to do is follow my dreams while doing my best.

15) All people have one or more important incidents in their lives.

"Incidents" is an odd word to use. It sounds like a car accident or something.

All people have one or more important occasions in their lives.

Occasions sounds better.

Pilita

Although I have given you a lot of comments, you have done very well.

Congratulations!

MountainHiker

Adelaide Palerma · Answer

This examples give me a good direction to move. Thanks!

I need help with this narrative essay.

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