i need help to correct my motivation letter

Question

To whom it may concernMy name is xy, I am 24 years old from …….. I have completed my high school in year 2008 from ….(Private school) in … and have studied Hotel administration from …. in …...The reason I have chosen the further my degree in electrical engineering in Germany is to develop my skills, have a lot of experiences and a strong personality because I am aware that they are good in this field by making a lot of researches from the internet. This program will equip me with the necessary skills for my future career.I also believe that knowing German as the third language will be a great advantage for me over my former colleagues when I return back to my home country. I am well educated person who takes pleasure in a guest service capacity and ready to learn different culture.Getting in contact with a lot of different people and their culture and get to know and experience them personally are very important stages to develop your personality and broaden your horizons. Therefore Germany will be a great opportunity to develop my personality, get in contact with many people, experience their way of life and in addition to improve my German skills.During my stay in Germany, my father has agreed to support me financiallyYours faithfully,

Rocha · Accepted Answer

is there someone to help me using the correct English i need it from the embassy. thank you in advance

Blue Jay · Answer

Welcome to the forum, rocha.
Correcting an essay or a letter can take a lot of time to do, and only a few members are willing to do it. For this reason you may not get a reply at once. Please be patient.
Also, please do not post the same question more than once.

Blue Jay · Answer

To whom it may concern,
My name is xy, I am 24 years old and I am from …….. I ~~have~~ completed my high school in ~~year~~ 2008 ~~from~~ at….(Private school) in … and have studied Hotel administration ~~from~~ at…. in…...

{The reason I have chosen ~~the further~~ to pursue my degree in electrical engineering in Germany is to develop my skills, ~~have a lot of experiences~~ gain valuable experience {~~and a strong personality~~ (this doesn't fit well here)} because I am aware that they are good in this field by as a result of ~~making~~ a lot of researches ~~from~~ on the internet {this sentence is ambiguous}. This program will equip me with the necessary skills for my future career.}

I suggest a re-write of this paragraph. Perhaps something like this:
The reason I have chosen to pursue my degree in electrical engineering at *** University in Germany is that I am aware that they are highly rated in this field, and I wish to develop my knowledge and gain valuable experience in the best possible setting. This program will equip me with the necessary skills for my future career.

{You know what your circumstances are and can decide exactly what you need to say.}

I also believe that knowing German as ~~the~~ my third language will ~~be a great advantage for me over my former colleagues~~ greatly benefit my career when I return ~~back~~ to my home country. I am a well educated person who takes pleasure in working in a guest service capacity and who is ready to learn ~~different culture~~. {Either a different culture (if you are referring to German culture only) or different cultures (if you mean cultures in general)}

{Getting in contact with a lot of different people and their culture and get to know and experience them personally are very important stages to develop your personality and broaden your horizons. Therefore Germany will be a great opportunity to develop my personality, get in contact with many people, experience their way of life and in addition to improve my German skills.}

I suggest a re-write of this paragraph. Perhaps something like this:

Coming in contact with a lot of different people and their culture, and getting to know them personally, can greatly benefit one's personal development and broaden one's horizons. Therefore, living in Germany will be a great opportunity for me to develop personally, to meet many new people, to experience their way of life, and in addition to improve my German language skills.

During my stay in Germany, my father has agreed to support me financially.

Yours faithfully,

I hope this helps. If you have any questions, or if you wish to post a revised version, we'll try to help. Best of luck!

Rocha · Answer

Thank you very much, i am so grateful for what you did to me and i will never forget it. once again thank you blue jay

Blue Jay · Answer

You are most welcome.
Please let us know if we can help you some more.
Also, we would love to know how you get on.

i need help to correct my motivation letter

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