I have a IELTS Writing Task 1 essay written by me. Please give me a feedback and correct my mistake or grade my scores

Question

The line graph illustrates the proportion of total expenditure in a certain European country between 1960 and 2000.The line graph provides the information about the percentage of an average European's spending on Food, Leisure, Clothing, Transport and Fuel/Energy from 1960 to 2000.Overall, in tracked period, the proportion of Transport's expenditure had an upward trend, while there was a decrease in the spending ratio of other categories.In 1960, nearly 35% European people allocated on Food, which hold the highest portion in the graph. This was followed by Leisure (19%), Clothing (10%) and Transport (9%). In contrast, almost 6% of European"s expenditure was spent on Fuel/ Energy.Over the next 40 years, the proportion of Food's expenditure showed a twofold dramatic slump, falling to approximately 14%. Following the similar fashion, the allocation on Leisure and Clothing slightly plunged to about 11% and 5%, respectively. However, in 2000, there was a significant rise in the spending proportion of Transport, exponentially surging to 15%.  Besides, only under 5% European country's spending on Fuel/ Energy, which still remained the lowest point over the period.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Khanhphan1109 · Answer

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph provides the information about (Information about" is very vague. It could mean almost anything. Be specific) the percentage of an average European's (Incorrect. It is not about people in Spain, the UK, Lithuania, Greece and all the European countries.) spending on Food, Leisure, Clothing, Transport and Fuel/Energy from 1960 to 2000.

Overall, ~~in tracked period,~~ (Very unnatural) the proportion of Transport's expenditure (Incorrect. Transport did not spend any money.) had an upward trend, while there was a decrease in the spending ratio (Wrong word. A ratio is expressed in two numbers to show their relative frequency or occurrence. For example: the student-teacher ratio in expensive schools is lower than it is in public schools. The ratio in my son's school is 10:1 - it means for every 10 students there is 1 teacher. ) of other categories.

In 1960, nearly 35% European people (wrong expression and factually incorrect) allocated (missing object) on Food, which hold (wrong form) the highest portion (wrong word) in the graph. This was followed by Leisure (19%), Clothing (10%) and Transport (9%). In contrast, almost 6% of European"s expenditure was spent on Fuel/ Energy.

Over the next 40 years, the proportion of Food's expenditure (Incorrect. Food does not spend money. Food does not have a job or a salary. )showed a twofold dramatic slump, (not a good phrase) falling to approximately 14%. Following the similar fashion, the allocation to Leisure and Clothing slightly plunged (Unnatural - a plunge is a huge drop - like jumping out of an airplane. "slightly" would be like stepping off the curb of a street, jumping down 3 centimeters. Besides, "plunge" is an emotional word that does not belong in a math/science context)) to about 11% and 5%, respectively. However, in 2000, there was a significant rise in the spending proportion of Transport, exponentially wrong word. There is not exponential curve on the graph.) surging (wrong word. an emotional word that does not belong in a math/science context) to 15%. Besides, only under 5% European country's spending (There are many errors here. "under 5%" is vague. It could be 0.5% or 4.8%. "European country" is wrong. and "5% European country" is not a grammatical expression.) on Fuel/ Energy, which still remained the lowest point (wrong word. A point is one specific time, not a period of time.) over the period.

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays. You need to learn come very common patterns of expressions for Task 1.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

I have answered this task for other students. Here are my example essays.

Example essay #1:

The line graph plots the relative spending of people in a European nation over a forty-year period from 1960 to 2000 in five budget categories: food, leisure, clothing, transport and energy.

Overall, in 1960, these people allocated nearly 70% of their budget to these five categories, but it dropped to about half in 1960. Most of the decline was due to the significant decrease in spending on food. That category took the most money in 1960, but it was second after transportation in 2000.

In detail, besides food, two other categories went down, energy and clothing. Leisure was about the same in 2000 as it was in 1960, about 10%, but it had a peak at 17% in 1970. All the other categories showed a continuous increase or decrease. The largest budget item was food for nearly the entire period, but it was more than cut in half from 34% in 1960 to 14% in 2000, to end just under transportation, which had gone up from 9 to 15%. The lowest category during the entire period was energy, which steadily declined by only 2% from 6% to 4%. Clothing, which ranked fourth between 1970 and 2000, dropped from 10 to 5%. In 1960, three of the five categories clustered around the same percentage, about 10% each. They were leisure, transportation and clothing.

Example Essay #2

The line graph compares the percentages of total spending of the people in a certain European country between 1960 and 2000, broken down into five different categories. The categories are food, leisure, clothing, transportation, and energy.

Overall, the these categories combined accounted for more than three-quarters of the household expenses in 1960, but about half in 2000. This drop was due to declines in relative spending for four of the five categories. There was a small increase in the cost of transportation.

In 1960, these families spent about one third of total expenditures on food, with leisure, at 19%, coming in second, followed by clothing and transportation, at a tenth, and finally energy at 5%. All these add up to 78%. Over the next 40 years, spending on food dropped by more than half to 14%. Decreases occurred in three other categories, leisure going down from 19 to 11%, clothing from 10 to 5%, and fuel from 5 to 3%. The exception was in transport, where the allocation increased from 10 to 15%, a percentage increase of 50%. It became the category with the highest budget allocation in 2000, surpassing food by a negligible amount.

I have a IELTS Writing Task 1 essay written by me. Please give me a feedback and correct my mistake or grade my scores

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