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Broken Heart Posted 21 years ago

I hate her

it was like a dream when
you used to brighten my day
when you used to erase my pain
when you used to make me smile
but ...she came
to wake me up from this dream
and steal my smile
steal my light
steal everything belongs 2 me
  

Top answer

Hello broken heart Just a thought: You set up the situation in the first few lines, and dismantle it in the last few. I notice though that the 'erasing pain' idea is left hanging. Should the last line relate to the pain, do you think?

— MrPedantic

  • Hello broken heart Just a thought: You set up the situation in the first few lines, and dismantle it in the last few.
  • I notice though that the 'erasing pain' idea is left hanging.
  • Should the last line relate to the pain, do you think?
  • ) MrP
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4 Answers
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Hello broken heart

Just a thought:

You set up the situation in the first few lines, and dismantle it in the last few. I notice though that the 'erasing pain' idea is left hanging. Should the last line relate to the pain, do you think?

(As I say, only a suggestion.)

MrP
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thanks for your suggestion..but i think that the idea of taking my light means everything with the idea of erasing pain...and now because he is causing pain to her so for sure he don't erase her pain now
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well,

I have a small question..( ? ) can I say it? ... thank you ..

Who was the woman??
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the story is about a girl that used to love a boy and he loves her back but unfortunatly another girlcame and steal him from her o he dont love that girl anymore
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