I am translating this scene from a novel from my native language to English. It is just a scene short and was picked by the lecturer. Could someone critisize this, please? :)

Zafran was speechless.

“Hello everyone...”

Arinda smiling sweetly... She was Arial’s twin and really a sweetheart.

“Hello Dinda...,” The Goggle group replied in a flash, except for the Goggle blue, Zafran.

Zafran was still in awestruck, confused as to why the soundtrack of the Evergreen Love Songs plays everytime he met Dinda eventhough his band was on alternative genre that was a bit anti-love song. He was still awe-stricken, thinking that Dinda’s smile bested any telenovela’s actress’s smile. Another thing that made him wondering was, why did she wear a tight shirt everytime he met her? Still wondering... why. It was so tight and thin, even her black bra was clearly visible.

“Hello Bang Zafran...”

She called me with Bang*... (Zafran dumbfounded. He did not know that every other males here were called Bang by Dinda except Riani whom she called Kak.*)

“Hello Dinda...,” Zafran replied happily

“Where have you been?” asked Dinda

“I was eating a porridge in Cikini...,” said Zafran

“Why didn’t you ask me to come with you?” Dinda flirted.

Zafran made a vow instantly to take her if they go somewhere. He would make other Goggle group members to make her to come if necessary.

“Hey guys, can’t we just go upstairs?” said Arial who was just a bit bored with her twin.

“C’mon!” Riani responded real quick. She disliked the most whenever Zafran standing awestricken after he met Dinda.

Arial took the Goggle members to go to in front of her bedroom’s door which they called it as “The Chamber of Secret Sorcerer Stone”

Well, every member was a fan of Harry Potter.

“Bye everyone, I need to work on my paper.” said Dinda.

“What about?” Zafran asked.

“ISLM curve... Anybody knows?” Dinda inquired.

“Oh, that’s Investment Saving Loan Money... Is it in the micro or macro economy?” Genta answered.

“Macro...,” said Dinda happily.

“Bang Genta, help me please? I’m stuck!”

“I don’t understand about it if it is in macro economy. I only understand it in micro...,” said Genta tonelessly.

“Oh no...,” Dinda disappointed with a charming tone.

“But, you must’ve understood it even a little,” Dinda was still hoping eventhough she knew Genta did not want to teach her. He just wanted to play Monopoly with the others.

Zafran was stuck. He was not an economy student. He was just a design student who often creating poems more than designing. But he knew that he was smart and a quick learner. So, he kept trying.

“Do you have the book? I can help you if you have the book...” stated Zafran.

“I have, but, it’s in English. You know what, I’ll try to do it myself later,” said Dinda while she went upstairs without looking back at Zafran. His friends have left him to The Chamber of Secret Sorcerer Stone.

“That’s alright”

Zafran felt hollow. His eyes were following Dinda and her body.

“Perfect”

While Zafran was eyeing Dinda’s sensuous sway while she went upstairs, a satan appeared to him and gave a bad thought, “G-String. Look at that g-string, Fran! Look at that back, her curve, and what is that? That underwear is so striking.”

...

An angel came.

“O Zafran, a woman is the most beautiful creature that haunts you, in your every breath, every drop of morning haze. Woman is a sun, find her reflection in the morning dew, a mark of the beginning of the day in this very earth. She goes away as the noon comes to knock, as the wind blows and the leaf bows to let her down in grace.

...

“Hey! Juple! Do you want to play or not?” Ian’s shout was able to shake Zafran’s fantasy off by calling his nickname.

“Of Course!!!” Zafran replied the shout instantly.

The satan and angel were still fighting.

Zafran’s eyes wanted to “see” Dinda a bit more.

*Bang: an address form for an older male (both stranger and relative).