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Question

Hello teachers. I have written a story. I hope this story is correct, as it is very important for my school project. Thank you!

Yesterday, I played in the park with my friends. In this park, I saw many flowers, birds and children, who had been playing hide and seek before it started to rain. There were seven tall trees, of which one was tallest, and was the tree around which the children played. The leaves of this tree were many shades of red and yellow, and were the home for the nests of two black birds. One bird was stronger than the other, who slept all day long, while bathing in the warm rays of the sun. Tomorrow, I will return to the park with my family, and together we will play hide and seek, as we had done for all of yesterday, the day before, and the before that day. In fact, my family and I have been playing in the park for as long as I can remember. For however juicy and succulent the apples of the apple tree may be, I must promise myself never to pick one from its slender branches.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Yesterday, I played in the park with my friends. In this park, I saw many flowers, birds and children, who had been playing hide and seek before it started to rain. There were seven tall trees, of which one was the tallest, and that/it was the tree around which the children played. The leaves of this tree were many shades of red and yellow, and were the home for the nests of two black birds. One bird was stronger than the other, who slept all day long, (no comma) while bathing in the warm rays of the sun. Tomorrow, I will return to the park with my family, and together we will play hide and seek, as we had done for all of yesterday, the day before, and the day before that ~~day~~. In fact, my family and I have been playing in the park for as long as I can remember. For however juicy and succulent the apples of the apple tree may be, I must promise myself never to pick one from its slender branches.

Deadrat · Answer

I think your story demonstrates a command of English sentence construction. I have a few quibbles:

"There were seven tall trees, of which one was tallest, ...."

In any group of seven trees, there were always be one that's tallest, if only by a little bit. If the height of the tree is important, and it would seem to be from the placement of the statement, you might say

"There were seven tall trees, of which one was by far the tallest, and it was this tree around which the children played."

This emphasizes the height of the tree, and the construction "it was this tree" calls attention to that particular tree. If you want to place emphasis on the children playing, put them first:

"There were seven tall trees, and the children played around the tallest."

Generally, a comma should separate a conjunction of clauses, not two verbs. So "The leaves of this tree were many shades of red and yellow and were the home for the nests of two black birds." The meaning here is "were shades" and "were home," but your reader has seen two colors and may be expecting a third. If you try "were many shades of red and yellow, and they were the home," the nearest antecedent of "they" is shades, and you mean the leaves. This is a small point, and few readers will be confused by your diction, but you might consider making understanding even easier by rephrasing with something like "The leaves of this tree, many shades of red and yellow, were the home for the nests of two black birds." This is more a matter of taste than anything else.

By the way, I like the image of the tree making a home for a nest, which is in turn, a home for the two birds.

If these are two birds that are black, two words "black" + "birds" is correct. If you mean the particular crow-like species, then use one word -- blackbirds.

"Bathing" is usually associated with water. We have the word "sunbathing," but that would be redundant with the nice picture invoked by "the warm rays of the sun." You might consider using the word "basking" instead.

English idiom uses the following construction for a chain of days past: "yesterday, the day before, and the day before that." You follow up nicely with "playing in the park for as long as I can remember."

"Juicy" and "succulent" mean the same thing.

Your promise in the last sentence might not be easy to keep. Eve couldn't do it, and look what happened then.

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