I am aiming at a 7 writing so please help with my essay!

Question

Here's the topic:What are the advantages and disadvantages of leaving your country to live or study abroad?---------Nowadays, many people, especially youngsters, choose to reside or study in foreign countries which are far away from their homes. There are great benefits of doing so; however, the drawbacks do exist.First of all, people living or studying abroad have a great deal of chances to broaden their horizons as well as get unforgettable experiences. In particular, staying in another country means people encounter new interests and different cultures which help open their eyes, change their mindsets and improve their ability to adjust to life. For instance, when one of my foreign friends went on business in Vietnam, she found everything strange and interesting compared to her home country, so she decided to learn about it. When she first walked down the street, she could not make it to the other side because there were too many motorbikes on the road. She said she would never forget that because it was like she was in a scene from a movie, a never-had-before experience in her life.Beside, someone, who lives abroad or studies there, has to face some difficulties such as homesickness or cultural shocking. People, who are abroad for the first time, often feel lonely as they have no friends so they usually suffer from homesickness. Anyway, it is not that bad due to the common use of the internet in communication so they can easily keep in touch with their family and friends in their home country. Or rather, when they first enter a total strange culture, they may get shocked by the difference between their own culture and the new one, even the opposites in gestures.  If they have enough time to get familiar with the way native people behave, everything will be fine.In summary, a chance of living or studying abroad has its own pros and cons. Whatever happens when living there will all contribute to people’s knowledge and help steel them for their later life.----------Thank you so much in advance.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You did not give all of the instructions.

Nowadays many people prefer to study or live in foreign countries. While studying and living abroad brings many benefits to individuals, it also has a number of disadvantages. What are the advantages and disadvantages of leaving your country to live or study abroad?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

jennifertranNowadays, many people, especially youngsters, choose to reside or study in foreign countries which are far away from their homes. There are great benefits of doing so; however, the drawbacks do exist.

Nowadays, many people, especially youngsters, (In the US, a youngster is an immature child between ages 7 and 12. Do a significant number of youngsters in your country make a decision to leave their parents and study abroad? This is a rather informal word, also. ) choose to reside or study in foreign countries which are far away from their homes. There are great benefits of doing so; however, the drawbacks do exist. (That statement, while true, is very vague and general. It can be applied to any of the IELTS advantage/disadvantage discussion essays with hardly any change at all. The examiner is not impressed by such generalities. Be more specific.)

First of all, people living or studying abroad have ~~a great deal of chances~~ (unnatural) unprecedented / marvelous / extraordinary opportunities to broaden their horizons as well as get unforgettable experiences. In particular, staying in another country means people encounter new interests and different cultures which help open their eyes, change their mindsets and improve their ability to adjust to life. For instance, when one of my foreign friends had a business trip to ~~went on business in~~ Vietnam, she found everything strange and interesting compared to her home country, so she decided to explore the area around the conference center. ~~learn about it~~. When she first walked down the street, she could not make it to the other side because there were so ~~too~~ many motorbikes on the road. She said she would never forget that because it was like she was in a scene from a movie, a ~~never-had-before~~ unique / singular experience in her life.

~~Beside~~, But someone, (no comma) who lives abroad or studies there, (no comma) has to face some difficulties such as homesickness or culture shock. ~~cultural shocking~~. People, (no comma) who are abroad for the first time, (no comma) often feel lonely as they have no friends so they usually suffer from homesickness. Anyway, it is not that bad due to the common use of the internet in communication so they can easily keep in touch with their family and friends in their home country. Or rather, when they first enter a total strange culture, they may get shocked by the difference between their own culture and the new one, even the opposites in gestures. If they have enough time to get familiar with the way ~~native~~ the local people behave, everything will be fine.

In summary, ~~a chance o~~f living or studying abroad has its own pros and cons. Whatever happens when living there will all contribute to people’s knowledge and help steel them for similar challenges ~~their~~ later in life.

You missed an important aspect of the topic question.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of leaving your country to live or study abroad?

You did not mention the name of your country or any specific benefits or liabilities for people in your country when they study or travel abroad. Do you know anyone who has left your country to study in another country?

You will lose some points for this oversight.

I am aiming at a 7 writing so please help with my essay!

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