How to make it sound better in English no. 17

Question

Dear All,Could someone please help me improve these short paragraphs? The highlighted parts are those I'm not sure about but apart from those I'd like to improve the whole sentences as well.1) To my surprise and disappointment, Jane's performance decreased over the last 2 months. Jane has been late to the class quite often and turned some assignments late (in order to avoid double late perhaps I should say after due time?) She definitely needs to improve on those. (not sure if I can finish the sentence like that)2) Kate's performance fluctuates from class to class. Her participation is quite inconsistent as well. At this point it's difficult to say what the outcome might be but Jane has to put more effort into her work if she wants to reach for an A.3) Coco's in-class participation has increased by a few degrees. There's still some space for improvement though. Nonetheless, her writing reflects her maturity and seems to be Coco's greatest strength. (this whole sentence sounds a bit awkward)Thanks

Doctor D · Accepted Answer

Here are my suggestions.

1) To my surprise and disappointment, Jane's performance decreased over the last 2 months. Jane has been late to the class quite often and turned some assignments late (in order to avoid double ~~late~~ perhaps I should say after due time?) She definitely needs to improve on those. (not sure if I can finish the sentence like that)
To my surprise and disappointment, Jane's performance has deteriorated over the last 2 months. She has been late in getting to class and in turning in her assignments. She clearly needs to improve in these areas.
Two changes. First, replace the verb (deteriorate--a decline in quality vs decreased--a decline in number). Second, since "late" is the flaw in both cases, move it to the front as a single problem with two results (rather than two results which are similar).

2) Kate's performance fluctuates from class to class. Her participation is quite inconsistent as well. At this point it's difficult to say what the outcome might be but Jane has to put more effort into her work if she wants to reach for an A.
Kate's performance fluctuates from class to class. Her classroom participation is also inconsistent. At this point, it's difficult to say what her final grade will be but (Kate) has to put more effort into her work if she want to receive an A.
A couple of changes to make this more specific. Add "classroom" to explain what "participation" was being discussed. Replace "outcome" with "grade" to pin down what kind of outcome you are talking about. Replace "reach for" (awkward) with "receive" (or similar word).

3) Coco's in-class participation has increased by a few degrees. There's still some space for improvement though. Nonetheless, her writing reflects her maturity and seems to be Coco's greatest strength. (this whole sentence sounds a bit awkward)
Coco's in-class participation has increased somewhat (slightly/to some degree, etc.). However, there's still room for improvement. On the other hand, her writing reflects her maturity and this talent is Coco's greatest strength.
The main changes here are to make the logical relationship of the sentences more clear. First sentence: she's doing better in one area. Second sentence: HOWEVER more needs to be done. Third sentence: ON THE OTHER HAND, she is doing well in a different area.

I hope this helps.

Perfect Stranger · Answer

Thank you Doctor D! I'm much obliged!

How to make it sound better in English no. 17

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