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Anonymous Posted 15 years ago
Grammar

How is this 'clumsy' writing?

I corrected this from: "Something glistening in the dark. Was it the blade of a knife or the barrel of a gun?"

to: "There was something glistening in the dark, but was it the blade of a knife or the barrel of a gun?"

My english teacher said that this was 'clumsy' writing.

If possible I'd like some more explaining on this.
  

Top answer

Hi, I corrected this from: "Something glistening in the dark. " My english teacher said that this was 'clumsy' writing. If possible I'd like some more explaining on this.

— Clive

  • Hi, I corrected this from: "Something glistening in the dark.
  • " My english teacher said that this was 'clumsy' writing.
  • If possible I'd like some more explaining on this.
  • I wouldn't call your version clumsy.
  • It has better grammar.
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2 Answers
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Hi,

I corrected this from: "Something glistening in the dark. Was it the blade of a knife or the barrel of a gun?"

to: "There was something glistening in the dark, but was it the blade of a knife or the barrel of a gun?"

My english teacher said that this was 'clumsy' writing.

If possible I'd like some more explaining on this.
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The original passage has a noir, pseudo-stream-of-consciousness feel. I'd expect to find it in a Dashell Hammett or Raymond Chandler novel. I'd actually expect it to be even more stripped down if it were in a novel: "Something glistening in the dark. The blade of a knife or the barrel of a gun?"

While your replacement is, I suppose, more grammatically correct, it loses the tension of t
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