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Rael Posted 17 years ago
Grammar
How can I improve my stories?
The Police was flashing repeatdly slowly blinding Joe's bruised and battered eyes, civilians crowding around his body whispering of the crash, The wind started to get more powerful and strong. People rushed to try save him. Joe was showered by concerned people, ambulances and doctors; he felt so alone. The mumbled and distant screaming seemed to soothe him. The cold hands of the male doctor pushing against his chest finally stopped, were they going to give in on him? In the corner of his eye Joe's parents pushed through the crowd of screaming men and women, with tears raining from their eyes. his dad whispered in Joe's ear 'son I was always proud of you.' Was this the end of the youth he had lived? The screams of the crowd had gone silent, police lights had suddenly stopped and as replaced with a blurry blue light, his breathing stopped, the end was near...
Joe awoke in a white room, aching eyes, short bursts of despair whenever he breathed in and an agonizing pain across his chest as a consequence of solitary suffering. Deep wounds cut across his eyes from withdrawing hours of tears that wanted to be exposed, the blinding light above him put Joe in to torture... in a effort Joe turned his head right to see the elderly man vomoting in to a blue bucket which contained grit. He began to realise the complexed wiring system which connected on to the ederly mans body. The white door burst open, running through it was the familiar face of his mum, she ran to him and hugged him tightly, it was agony for him, but he didn't tell her to let go. His father never turned up, he claimed it was too painful, that's what his mother told him anyway, Joe knew his dad didn't like him, whenever Joe tried to interact he would send him away and threaten to physiclly abuse him. His mother wasn't the sweet looking lady she had looked out to be, she took advantage of her mother's 'will' and spent it on drugs and other pleasures, instead of the money to support Joe's driving lessons and a new home for him. Before Joe could speak to her, a male doctor which was at the seen had walked through the door. He polietly asked Joe's mother to leave, she didn't ask any questions she just left in dissapointment...
[I'm 12.]
Joe awoke in a white room, aching eyes, short bursts of despair whenever he breathed in and an agonizing pain across his chest as a consequence of solitary suffering. Deep wounds cut across his eyes from withdrawing hours of tears that wanted to be exposed, the blinding light above him put Joe in to torture... in a effort Joe turned his head right to see the elderly man vomoting in to a blue bucket which contained grit. He began to realise the complexed wiring system which connected on to the ederly mans body. The white door burst open, running through it was the familiar face of his mum, she ran to him and hugged him tightly, it was agony for him, but he didn't tell her to let go. His father never turned up, he claimed it was too painful, that's what his mother told him anyway, Joe knew his dad didn't like him, whenever Joe tried to interact he would send him away and threaten to physiclly abuse him. His mother wasn't the sweet looking lady she had looked out to be, she took advantage of her mother's 'will' and spent it on drugs and other pleasures, instead of the money to support Joe's driving lessons and a new home for him. Before Joe could speak to her, a male doctor which was at the seen had walked through the door. He polietly asked Joe's mother to leave, she didn't ask any questions she just left in dissapointment...
[I'm 12.]
Top answer
A couple of general comments... I think you might be trying slightly too hard to stuff the story with dramatic words. I felt the narrative started to wobble a bit towards the end as it switches between the description of Joe's present predicament and his family background.
- A couple of general comments...
- I think you might be trying slightly too hard to stuff the story with dramatic words.
- I felt the narrative started to wobble a bit towards the end as it switches between the description of Joe's present predicament and his family background.
- A couple of simple things might help here, such as better use of paragraph breaks, and a clearer setting-off of this new topic (which is currently introduced in an awkward run-on sentence: "His father never turned up ...
- physically abuse him").
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1 Answers
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A couple of general comments...
I think you might be trying slightly too hard to stuff the story with dramatic words.
I felt the narrative started to wobble a bit towards the end as it switches between the description of Joe's present predicament and his family background. A couple of simple things might help here, such as better use of paragraph breaks, and a clearer setting-of
I think you might be trying slightly too hard to stuff the story with dramatic words.
I felt the narrative started to wobble a bit towards the end as it switches between the description of Joe's present predicament and his family background. A couple of simple things might help here, such as better use of paragraph breaks, and a clearer setting-of
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