Hope you have a good day ! I am preparing for ielts test in the next 2 month . please make my essay correct . Many thanks

Question

While some people consider global warming to be the most pressingg environmental problem which we have at the moment , others believe that deforestation has a more devastating impact on our world.Discuss both sides and give your opinion

These days, there are enormous envirnmental issues which are always obsessed with different nations in the world . Some people hold that view that global warming pose the most serious threat to the annihilation of natures as well as human lives . Meanwhile, others claim that a more severe problem is deforestation . This essay will analyze these views in depth .

To begin with , the first view seems rather justified . There is solid evidence that this phenomenon directly has impact on our lives in all of aspects .In fact, this problem leads to ozone layer depletion which has the effect of allowing harmful radiation from the sun to penetrate the atmostphere and this increases the human of skin cancer . A recent survey show that the number of patients who suffer from skin cancer in VietNam made up 20% in total figure and it is unpredicted . Moreover, there are undeniable that environmental degradation stems from global warming . This issue has contribute itself to the process of of the environment becoming worse .It is without dispute that Africa is a continent in which contaminated environment is evident in the spread of deserts.However , it find it difficult to consider what the top priority of nations put simply because there are also many problems need to be taken immediate action.

When the second view is taken into account ,it is obvious that this idea is convinning.Illegal logging has emerged as a phenomenon that has catastrophic impacts on human and animals . In terms of animal species, this practice is crucial cause of habitat destruction .With each forest clear, we lost about 135 species of animal and pushed them on the brink of extinction. Furthermore, it is due to the fact that deforestion leads to soil erosion playing a vital role in remaining moist . As an result, with the clearance of trees cover , soil will be directly exposed to the sun and dry. Neverless, this facet is simply a contributing elements and should never come at the primary pressure of each country in the world.

In conclusion, from numerous examples in life and evidence from research, we may conclude that both global warming as well as deforestation are strict top’s environmental degradation in most situation. However, government should impose an appropriate solution against environmental problems instead of anticipating the most serious isssue .

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

At almost 400 words, this might be too much to write in forty minutes in the exam. I would recommend that it be pruned down by 25% to meet the time constraints.

These days, [a slightly informal phrase] there are enormous envirnmental [spelling] issues ~~which are always obsessed with different nations in the world~~ which are the subject of intense debate around the world. Some people hold that view that global warming pose [verb ending!] the most serious threat to the annihilation of natures [singular/plural issue]as well as human lives [the current phrase is "a sixth mass extinction": the threat of a sixth mass extinction and the human species in general] . Meanwhile,['meanwhile' usually refers only to time, but 'at the same time' can sometimes be used to indicate a concession] others claim that a more severe problem is deforestation . ~~This essay will analyze these views in depth~~ . [What is required in the introduction for IELTS is for you to state your own viewpoint.]

To begin with , the first view seems rather justified . There is solid evidence that this phenomenon directly has impact on our lives in all of aspects->directly affects all aspects of our lives .In fact, this problem leads to ozone layer depletion which has the effect of allowing harmful radiation from the sun to penetrate the atmostphere[spelling] and this increases the ~~human~~ incidence of skin cancer . [Comment: I thought the ozone holes were caused by CFC gases] A recent survey show that the number of patients who suffer from skin cancer in VietNam made up 20% in total figure [Do you mean twenty percent of patients suffered from skin cancer or the incidence has risen by twenty percent? ] and it is unpredicted [incoherent] . Moreover, there are undeniable-> it is undeniable that environmental degradation stems from global warming [Comment: I beg to differ; there are multiple causes, so "undeniable" is questionable.] . This issue has contributed ~~itself~~ to the process of of the environment becoming worse .It is without dispute [this is somewhat repetitious. Be wary of starting sentences in the same way.]that Africa is a continent in which contaminated environment is evident in the spread of deserts.[Comment: desertification is not necessarily the product of global warming alone: it can be the result of poor farming methods as in the Kentucky dust bowl of the 1930s] However , [Try planning your essay to avoid starting sentences with this type of linking adverb too often: it may lower your score for cohesion.]it find it difficult to consider what the top priority of nations put simply because there are also many problems need to be taken immediate action.[Incoherent: do you mean: global warming is not the only major problem and it is difficult to set priorities. ?]

When the second view is taken into account [this is an example of clunky or intrusive cohesion which should be much more unobtrusive to achieve Band 9: see the marking schema.],it is obvious [not to me!]that this idea is convinning.[spelling] Illegal logging has emerged as a phenomenon that has catastrophic impacts on human and animals . In terms of animal species, this practice is the crucial cause of habitat destruction .With each forest cleared, we lost about 135 species of animal and pushed them on[toward] the brink of extinction. Furthermore, it is due to the fact that deforestion [spelling] leads to soil erosion playing a vital role in remaining moist . As an result, with the clearance of trees cover , soil will be directly exposed to the sun and dry. Neverless, this facet is simply a contributing elements[singular/plural] and should never come at the primary pressure of each country [incoherent: what do you mean?] in the world. [Please do not start every sentence with a linking adverb: it is tedious and will automatically limit your top score for cohesion to Band 7. ]

In conclusion, from numerous examples in life and evidence from research, we may conclude that both global warming as well as deforestation are strict top’s environmental degradation in most situation. -> are both equally important contributors to environmental degradation. However, government should impose an appropriate solution against environmental problems instead of anticipating the most serious isssue . [Again, not clear what you mean here: surely governments around the world must anticipate the most serious issues and take appropriate concerted action to prevent disaster.]

Comment: do be aware that one quarter of the score is derived from "coherence and cohesion". To achieve Band 7, as a rule of thumb, every sentence must be clear in its meaning. It is about making your point, getting your message across clearly, and progressing your argument, and being clear in your stance. This should not be beyond you.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

I will give you some advice so that you can correct your own essay. Learning from your mistakes is a very good way to learn. The yellow highlights mark text with mistakes. You have a lot of spacing errors. A space comes after a comma or full stop, not before.

While some people consider global warming to be the most pressingg environm

While some people consider global warming to be the most pressingg environmental problem which we have at the moment , others believe that deforestation has a more devastating impact on our world.Discuss both sides and give your opinion (missing punctuation)

These days, there are enormous envirnmental issues which are always obsessed with (wrong usage) different nations in the world . Some people hold that (wrong word) view that global warming pose (wrong form) the most serious threat to the annihilation of natures (wrong word) as well as human lives . Meanwhile, others claim that a more severe problem is deforestation . This essay will analyze these views in depth .

(Improper thesis statement. Never mention your essay in a thesis statement.)

To begin with , the first view seems rather justified . There is solid evidence that global warming ~~this phenomenon~~ ~~directly~~ has a direct impact on our lives in all of aspects .In fact, this problem leads to ozone layer depletion which has the effect of allowing harmful radiation from the sun to penetrate the atmostphere and this increases the human of skin cancer . A recent survey show (wrong form ) that the number of patients who suffer from skin cancer in VietNam made up 20% in total figure (Do you mean that one of every five people has skin cancer?) and it is unpredicted . Moreover, there are undeniable (missing word) that environmental degradation stems from global warming . This issue has contribute itself (wrong usage) to the process of of the environment becoming worse .It is without dispute that Africa is a continent in which contaminated environment is evident in the spread of deserts.However , it find it difficult to consider what the top priority of nations put simply (wrong usage) because there are also many problems need to be taken immediate action.(wrong usage)

When the second view is taken into account ,it is obvious that this idea is convinning.Illegal logging has emerged as a phenomenon (wrong word) that has catastrophic impacts on human (wrong form) and animals . In terms of animal species, this practice is (missing word) crucial cause of habitat destruction .With each forest clear, (wrong form ) we lost about 135 species of animal (wrong form ) and pushed them on (wrong word) the brink of extinction. Furthermore, it is due to the fact that deforestion leads to soil erosion playing a vital role in remaining moist . As an result, with the clearance of trees cover , soil will be directly exposed to the sun and dry. (wrong form ) Neverless, this ~~facet~~ is simply a contributing elements (wrong form ) and should never come at the primary pressure of each country in the world. (wrong usage)

In conclusion, from numerous examples in life and evidence from research, we may conclude that both global warming as well as deforestation are strict top’s (wrong usage) environmental degradation in most situation. (wrong form ) However, (missing word) government should impose an appropriate solution against environmental problems instead of anticipating the most serious isssue .

Hope you have a good day ! I am preparing for ielts test in the next 2 month . please make my essay correct . Many thanks

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